The Yo-Yo Affect

The other morning on my way to work, I stopped for coffee and ran into someone from my old life. That would be the life I had with Dick for almost 25 years. We exchanged greetings, had a little hug and asked each other "what's new?" I responded with a generic "oh, not much, same old, same old. Anything new with you?" I expected the same sort of answer in return, but instead he just wound up and punched me in the stomach. Okay, I'm exaggerating. He didn't actually punch me. He never laid a hand on me. I just said that for effect, because that is exactly what his answer felt like. It knocked the wind out of me. I will never understand why this man (let's call him Jack, as in Jack-Ass) says the things he says. If there is a wrong thing to say in a situation, he says it. If there is an inappropriate joke that should be avoided at all costs, you can be sure it will find it's way out of his mouth. I am actually surprised at how his answer affected me. Two days earlier I was in such a good mood, I felt like I could walk on a cloud. Nothing could bother me. I thought, man, I've really turned a corner here! Apparently, I thought wrong. When "Jack" answered with, "I met Dick's new girlfriend last night," my cloud disappeared and I crash landed, and like a yo-yo, I was snapped right back to the days of pain. Charlot...that bitch. Wait...did he just say "new" girlfriend? Was he referring to someone other than the little home wrecker? Had Dick already broken Charlot's heart and moved on to someone else? Better still, was he now cheating on her and could I have the absolute pleasure of being the one to inform her? Either of these scenarios would have made Jack's answer forgivable, because the pleasure they would have given me would far out weigh his stupidity. With thoughts of Charlot enduring heart-break and pain sustaining me, I was able to continue the conversation. I needed more information. I needed to know who Dick was with, so I said, "Oh...so you met Charlot?" My hope was that Jack would correct me with another name, but he didn't. He confirmed that the woman's name was indeed Charlot. At that point I made some excuse about having to be on my way...late for work...got to go, and I left.

As I drove to work and for the rest of the day all I could think about was her insinuating herself into what should have been my life. Dam it, I thought, what's next, him introducing her to his family over the holidays as his "new" girlfriend? New my ass! Its four months shy of them being together for three years, and almost half of that time Dick and I were still married! I could imagine the two of them hosting family get-togethers and having friends over for drinks or a party in what was once my house. New girlfriend...I-don't-think-so! Dick never told his family the whole story of "what happened to us." If he had, Charlot could never be completely in his life. Even if most of his family could over look the circumstances of their relationship, I don't think his mother would ever fully accept Charlot because if it. They would forever be uncomfortable around his family. Gee...that would be too bad...wouldn't it?

FaceBook is a wonderful thing. If you want to share information with many people at one time all you have to do is post it on your wall. I am FaceBook friends with many people, some of them are actually related to Dick. If I were to post something about him on my wall there is a good chance it will get back to him. If it gets back to him I am sure he will get in touch with me and then I will know that his family knows what I posted...so I did. Yes, it was a blood-letting of sorts, and probably not one of my finer moments as I had to sink to a level I'm not accustomed to. But, what's done is done and I can't take it back now. What I wrote was so long that it had to be split into three posts.

Post #1---My cheatin-drunk-ex-husband has been haunting my dreams since I left the lying-son-of-a-bitch! Now his "we're just friends"-"nothing's going on"-whore-girlfriend has started showing up in them! WTF?!?!

Post #2---And another thing....most of you probably know this already, but its time the world new...Dick cheated on me. He had was having an affair for 6 months before I found out about it....I discovered a hotel receipt with her name on it and his credit card number.

Post #3---Almost forgot...her name is Charlot Babylon and they are still together. So, if you ever meet her with him don't let him try and make you think she is a new girlfriend since the divorce. She is what happened to my marriage....OKay...thats all!

I have yet to hear from Dick about this so I'm not sure if his family is now fully informed about the happy couple or not...but here's hoping they do. You can't blame a girl for tryin'!

A Poem

Read this blog and you will see
I'm not who I propose to be
Betty's just a name I use
So I can write whatever I choose
And as for him, the man I wed
I call him Dick...what more be said
He met a cheap and trashy tart
Slept with her and broke my heart
Lying was his strongest suit
And so he finally got the boot
I did it all with grace and class
The day I dumped his happy ass
So now he has his little whore
But I have freedom and much more
I hit him where it hurts the most
Forgive me if I tend to boast
I find the outcome kind of funny
'Cause all he ever loved was money
He worked and scrimped and saved a lot
But kept it hidden...or so he thought
His secret stash was locked away
For him to use some rainy day
He tried to keep it all from me
But not too well…I found the key
So in the end, one has to laugh
‘Cause he got her, but I got half

It Ain't Over 'til Its Over and Sweaty Betty Sings!

I know that last post sounded like the the end and it was so long ago you might have thought it was, but there is so much more to tell.

When last we saw Betty and Dick, it was Charlot's birthday. I don't remember if I mentioned the date and if I did whether or not I gave her real birthday. Throughout this story I have changed so many names and dates to protect the in-"no"-cent that sometimes I forget what I said. But now...I really don't give a crap. If Dick or Charlot happen to stumble upon this saga of their illicit affair and actually realize it's about them, so be it. Maybe Charlot will realize what a prize she's got and dump his happy ass. By the way, in case I hadn't mentioned it before, they are still together...fornicating in what used to be my bed, in what used to be my house. I'm sure the same mattress we bought before we were married is still on that bed. Dick is too cheap to buy a new one, especially after what the divorce cost him. And Charlot, even if she knows how old the mattress is, I'm sure it doesn't bother her one bit. After all, it didn't bother her to sleep with Dick when he was my husband, so why would it bother her to be "sleep" on what was my mattress. After 26 years, just imagine how many millions of dust mites are dancing around in there having a grand old time right along with them!!!

Anyway...for the sake of refreshing your memory as to where in the timeline we left off I will tell you that it was October 23, 2008, Charlot's 46Th birthday...three months, 2 weeks and four days since I had discovered the now infamous hotel receipt in Dick's underwear drawer. It was encounter number three for me and the happy couple. Since then I have not spoken with Charlot or seen her up close and personal. This is not to say that I didn't see her and Dick together again, because I did. I just couldn't be bothered wasting any more time or emotional energy confronting them again. What would be the point? It was obvious that she was more important to him than our marriage was. He had made his choice....her, not me. He did not love me anymore. He said he did, but I knew he didn't mean it. It was the only thing he could say when asked. I believe his line of reasoning went something like this: If he said he didn't love me that would be like admitting he didn't want to be married to me anymore. If he didn't want to be married, the only solution was to get divorced. Divorce meant spending a lot of money on legal fees, which for Dick would hurt like hell. Worse than that, I would get half of "his" assets and he would end up having to actually pay me every month to not be his wife...for the rest of his life. This is what made it so easy for him to answer "yes" when asked "Do you still love Betty?" I don't think he even considered it a lie, because it's all connected...kind of like 'the hip bone's connected to the leg bone' sort of thing. In this case, its the love bone's connected to the money bone...the money bone's connected to the marriage bone...the marriage bone's connected to the Betty bone, and without Betty it all falls apart. Dick loved "his" money. The only way to keep it all to himself was to stay married to me. If he said he didn't love me, then he would lose what he really loved. Its like an equation...Betty = marriage + 50% of marital assets. If you cancel out one side of the equation you must do the same to the other side. If there is one thing Dick has always been good at its math. Dick did the math, and what he found was justification for his answer to the question of whether or not he still loved me.

Okay, enough of that tangent, back to what happened after Charlot's birthday. I had been seeing our couple's councilor, Mollie, on my own since I had first confronted Dick about his affair in September. I needed help sorting things out. I was trying to...I don't know...I guess I was trying to be sure that there wasn't something left that was worth holding onto. When November, 2008 rolled around Dick and I had our first joint session with Mollie since the previous June. It was also the last time we saw her as a couple, and it was... well... so... ummm... so... very... un-freakin-imaginable. There really isn't just one word to describe it.

It was obvious from his continuous lying and sneaking around that he had no intention of giving Charlot up. He even had the balls to lie to me during that session. I had asked him a question, he answered it (lied) and then I told him that I knew he was lying and that I had proof. Only then did he admit that he hadn't been truthful. Mollie was beside herself when I called him on it. It was reminiscent of a scene from The Exorcist. She did a double take, her head almost spun completely around as she stumbled over the words “Oh...my God!!! You just lied to her!! In front of me!!! Why would you do that?” Guess what he said? Come on, take a stab at it. Give up? He said….wait for it…. “I don’t know.” …and nothing more. I think that was when he really disconnected from me. He was being forced to look at himself from someone elses unbiased, and professional point of view and it wasn't pretty. There were other times that evening when a mirror was held up to him and his behavior and that made Dick squirm. He would later refer to that session as "the time you two ganged up on me and beat me down." After that session with Mollie, things didn't get any better, they weren't really any worse but it took a while before Dick recovered from the "abuse" he was subjected to. Our marriage was on life support, but all he think about was how "mean" we were to him that night...waaa...waaa. When Dick doesn't want to deal with something he ignores it. He goes into himself and shuts down. There is no getting through when he does this. Its just another example of how self-centered he is. Everything is always about him.

I knew from the moment I found the hotel receipt that I had 2 choices: 1. Leave him. Walk away and not look back, or, 2. Stay with him and together work at making our marriage better. The keyword here is "together". Together was something that we were not, and hadn't been for a long while. I could have saved myself from another three months of hell if I had just left him then, but I was not yet ready to let go of everything else I stood to lose if I did. The other issue was the timing. It was mid-November, the Holidays were upon us and it was our year to host Christmas Eve for his family. I just couldn't ruin Christmas for his mother. If I was going to do anything it would to have to wait until after New Years Day.

Back On Track...Or At Least Trying

This post ended up being something entirely different than what I was intending to write. I meant to continue on from where we last saw Betty and Dick, but ended up going someplace else with it. Apparently I needed to purge emotionally before moving on with the "story".


Okay...I am really going to try to keep at this posting thing, because I need to finish "The Story of Betty & Dick". I am beginning to feel that I can't move on until I am able to type the words...The End. I have been feeling a bit "stuck" lately. This mourning process is not easy. It has its own timetable and I don't like that. Every once in a while out of the blue I get hit with a tidal wave of emotion. This past Sunday was a particularly off day for me. Nothing happened, I just felt really sad/angry at one point. I went food shopping and while driving home I was just so overwhelmed by it, I started to cry. Then I sat in my car in the driveway, just weeping for I don't know how long. I believe it had something to do with my recounting many details of the last 2 years to some cousins that I haven't seen since last August. We had a family event the day before and they (all women) were chomping at the bit to hear details. Anyway, in the midst of this emotional upheaval I found myself saying things like "Why did you have to ruin everything?"... directed at Dick. My life doesn't suck, I have no regrets about divorcing and I certainly don't want him back. I'm not sad about anything in my life now, I'm sad about what isn't. Its about what I had to leave behind, and that would be everything. I miss everything, but him. I had a beautiful house with neighbors that became more like an extended family to me than just friends. I miss them. I know they are still there for me, but its sad knowing that they are not just across the street or next door. Visiting is just not the same living there. When I go home I feel like I'm "leaving" all over again. There are so many "things" in that house I left behind, nothing that I need, but things I miss. I also left my 2 cats. I knew it was better for them to stay. Taking them with me was really not an option at the time. I didn't know where I would eventually end up living and moving them even once would be hard on them. I knew that Dick would take good care of them so the decision to leave them was not that difficult. But, again, I miss them. On a side note, three months after I left Dick, I lost my job of fifteen years. The school I worked at closed, so I have also had that loss to deal with. I think if I still had that, this mourning process would have been a bit easier. If you think about it, I spent more time with my co-workers than I did with Dick on a daily basis. They too were and extended family for me. Yes, we keep in touch and I'm happy to say that I am closer with many of them now than I ever was. But, I miss being there, with them. They say there are three major stresses in life, marriage/divorce, change of residence and loss of a job. I probably said this before, I hit the tri-fecta in the major stress department. So much change in such a small span of time. I suppose looking at it from that point of view, I'm doing pretty dam good. Living with the parents is fine. Its comforting and...to quote a friend..."challenging" at times. I know that everything is as it should be and I am on the right path, heading in the right direction. I just haven't been able to let go of the past yet. What I need to let go of are the "things" that I miss, but I can take everything else with me as I move on. The friends and the memories will be with me always no matter where this path leads me. Its the uncertainty of what lies ahead that has made me uneasy, but I am now realizing that I have everything I need to help me along the way. I may have lost Dick, but I gained a life. Its time I started living it.

Finally, Final!!

Hello...I know, its been 2 months plus, since I have posted anything. Last time I took a break it was for a month and I promised that I would never do that again. Well as Dick so often and incessantly says..."sorry...I'm sorry!" I don't even really have an explanation as to why I have been so silent. I guess life just got in the way, but now it should be clear sailing for me. I say should be, but one never knows. I no longer "have" to deal with Dick, and as long as I can stay out of my own way I should be fine. To summarize, we were pronounced divorced on March 25, 2010, at which time I received a check from him as payment for the first portion of my settlement. By tax day a second payment was made and the final check was in my hot little hand on June 4Th. The 90 day waiting period (in case for some reason we were to change our mind about the whole thing...ha!) was up on June 23 and our divorce was finally, final. The reason I don't have to deal with Dick anymore is because I chose not to take alimony. "What??? Are you nuts?!!!" Was the basic reaction many people had to this decision. But after looking at the pros and cons of getting alimony verses just one lump sum the latter won out. If I had chose to get monthly alimony payments the total amount in $$ over the years would most likely have ended up being more than I got with the lump sum. That was really the only upside, and it wasn't guaranteed. Dick could take me back into court anytime to have the alimony adjusted. If he were to get sick or become disabled and couldn't work...well, no income = no alimony. Then there was the idea of having to deal with him for the rest of my life. With alimony I would always feel he had some level of control over my life and that was the last thing I wanted. Cut all ties so the healing can begin, was my thinking, but that is turning out to be much more difficult than anticipated.

For a while I didn't think about Dick too much. I was surprised at how easy it was to be without him after the initcial shock of separation wore off. But every now and again I have my moments. Sometimes I feel so scared about what my future might hold. Then I think..."I don't have Dick!"...and that's a good thing.

I have been having trouble with my car. For some reason it keeps driving by Dick's house, you know, the one that used to be our house. I find myself on the street and think "Oh God, not again!!" Recently I saw Charlot's car in the driveway and found myself screaming..."You Son of a Bitch! That F'ing whore is in MY HOUSE!!"...much to my poor brother's dismay who was riding in the car with me. I know its not "my" house anymore and, okay, we all know its me iniciating the drive-bys not my car, but I just can't stop doing it. All it does is make me crazy and I keep torturing myself by going there. Why? That's what I'm trying to figure out. Partly I think it has something to do with my need to in my comfort zone, which is being miserable. I was miserable for so long that all this happiness is very diconcerting. I don't know how to be happy with out feeling that something is going to happen to screw it up. Happy Land has always been for other people. I never felt like I belonged, or deserved to be there. Just add that to all the other things I can blame Dick for.

Strangley enough, my anger as of late has been directed more at Charlot than Dick. My therapist, Mollie, says I need closure. But what does that mean? It means I have to let go, get rid of all the garbage. I have to give it all back to them and forgive myself for carrying it with me. "I'd like to write her a letter and tell her a thing or two." I said to Mollie during a session. "Do it!" she said. Write a letter to Charlot and bring it next time we meet." I had three weeks to write the letter and of course I waited until the night before my next appointment. So, after a few glases of wine I let loose on Charlot via the written word.

Charlot,

You probably didn’t ever expect to ever hear from me, but in order for the healing to begin there are some things I need to say to you. Mostly I just want to tell you that I hope you really and truly do love Dick. I hope that you care deeply about his wellbeing and strive to do everything in your power to please him each and everyday you are together. I hope you care so much about him that you are willing to give up things that are important to you just to make him happy. I hope that you feel and do all of these things so that when he is done with you and moves on to the next poor fool (and he will) your heart will be ripped to shreds just like mine was and you will feel all of the doubt, anger and sadness that I felt. I wish you nothing more than to be on the receiving end of the type of pain that you and he caused me when you decided it was okay to sleep with someone else’s husband. You are just as much to blame for the end of a 25 year marriage as both he and I are. If you had an ounce of decency in you, you would have backed off and refused to see him anymore. Perhaps there might have been a chance for us to find our way back to each other, to make our life together better. But, because you where still “there”, we never stood a chance and now we will never know. I guess that is one thing that I really blame you for. Because of you we never got to find out what our “problem” really was. You were his solution…that and him drinking himself into a stupor every night….both quick fixes.

I have often wondered what makes a woman think its okay to sleep with a married man? It’s just cruel. Why are women so mean to each other? Wait, that’s too general a statement. Not all women are like you…thank God. But, there is enough of your kind out there to make the rest of us really wonder. Speaking of wondering….I have to tell you something. Remember how I found you and Dick in J. Pace’s parking lot that first time? I accused you of sleeping with him and you swore you were just friends. Remember that? Well, I wasn’t just assuming, I had proof. I found the receipt from the Marriot Long Warf where the two of you stayed on July 3, 2008. Your name and address was on the top of it and his credit card number on the bottom. I found it hidden in his underwear drawer the day I came home from the hospital after my hysterectomy. By the way…did Dick happen to mention that while he was screwing you in a luxury hotel I was laying in a hospital bed with 22 staples in my gut? I also had a catheter so I could pee into a bag, and IV in my arm for antibiotics, fluids and a pain pump with morphine. Not that it matters, but if you didn’t know I just thought you should. It helps to paint a better picture of the kind of person Dick really is. Then again, you might have known and were okay with it. I don’t think my opinion of you could get any lower, but that would probably do it.

Back to the night in the parking lot. When we got home that night I confronted Dick with what I had found and he admitted it. I asked him point blank “Did you sleep with her?” He said yes. My reason for telling you this is because when I showed up at Bobby C’s and interrupted your birthday celebration with Dick you continued to deny having slept with my husband. All I could think about while you were talking was “Oh my God…she doesn’t know that he admitted it to me. What an asshole! He is just sitting there letting her go on and on, lying to me, proclaiming her innocence when all the while he knows that I know she‘s lying!! Poor stupid woman…he’s already lying to her.“ I almost felt bad for you…for about a second. Again, not that it matters, but it serves as another illustration of Dick’s character. Its all about what is best for him. He is a lying, cheating, drunk…but, maybe that’s what made him so attractive to you. After all, you know what they say…Birds of a feather, flock together…you two deserve each other.

I told Dick recently that I forgave him and I am now telling you the same. I have realized that I have to let all of this go in order to heal and get on with my life. So, I forgive you Charlot. I really do. You can have him…or what’s left of him. I got the best part of him. And that would be half of all his assets…just over half a million.

In closing I would just like to wish you either a few wonderful years together with a horribly painful break-up that you didn’t see coming or a long and miserable life together. Stick that in your pipe and smoke it.

Livin’ La Vita Loca…
The former Mrs. Dick

Three Score and Two Years Ago

I just couldn't let today go by without mentioning the significance of it. It was thirty two years ago today that I first laid eyes on my darling Dick. I wrote about how we met and my first impressions in the post titled "The Early Daze". If you remember, basically my first impression was that I was not impressed. To recap, we met at his Sr. Prom. I was there with a guy I worked with who was one of his friends. I thought he was cute...I thought I might be interested...for about a minute.Then he did or said something that made me think "what an ass", and that was about it. After that night I never really gave him a second thought. Well, that's not entirely true. My second thought was, "Man, what an ass!" My third was, "He really is quite an ass." So much for going with your gut feelings and first impressions. Over that summer, whenever our mutual friends were getting together and I found out that he was going to be there, many times I would decline the invitation. In August, Labor Day weekend, Dick was having a party at his parents house (yes his parents were there and the drinking age was 18 then). I was informed of the big event but told everyone I wasn't going. Then I was sent a message from Dick through his friend Pugsly. Yes, Pugsly. We all had nicknames back then and Pugsly looked like...Pugsly from the Adams Family. He said "Dick wants you come to his party and he won't take no for an answer." "Really?...That's odd because I would swear he didn't even like me by the they way he always acts like an ass around me. No, I don't think so. I'm not going." I said. "But, you have to!!" Pugsly was almost begging. When I asked him why I had to he told me that the word was, if I didn't show, there would be no party. So for the sake of my friends I relented and agreed to go, but I told Pugsly if Dick starts acting stupid I'm gone. Pugsly told me that he probably would, because Dick liked me...really liked me. He was so nervous around me he couldn't help it. All I could think was...Oh my God, how cute! He likes me? That's so sweet. Ya, I know...now who was acting like an ass? So sue me, I was 18, what did I know. Suddenly everything about Dick was adorable, not weird. He was funny, not odd. He wasn't an ass, he was just nervous. Well, it all made perfect sense to me now. That's why I was drawn to him when we first met at the prom...it was meant to be. We were made for each other. --PARDON ME...WHICH WAY TO THE VOMITORIUM?!?! Teenagers! When will they ever learn? That night I got stinking drunk playing Pass-Out and ended up rolling around on the front lawn making out with Dick. But, the highlight of the evening was when I stepped on a broken bottle. Then I tried to look at the bottom of my foot to see if I had cut it (I had not) but I lost my balance and ended up on my butt in the middle of the street. Dick swooped in to rescue me. As we were walking back to the house I thought...hmmm, I must have sat in a puddle, my pants feel wet. I put my hand around to feel if I was right, and yes, I was wet. The seat of my pants was soaked, but it wasn't water, it was blood. I didn't sit in a puddle, I sat on the broken bottle! I had cut my ass and was bleeding like a stuck pig. That was also the night I got to meet my future mother-in-law, drunk and bleeding all over her bathroom because I sat on a broken bottle. Talk about bad first impressions. When we started dating she must have been so proud of him. Turns out the cut I had received on my butt was very small, apparently deep, but small. And, without going into detail, where it was located a bandage couldn't be applied. The alcohol I had consumed was responsible for the extensive bleeding, making it look a whole lot worse than it actually was. Luckily I had brought my bathing suit so I put the bottoms on inplace of my underwear. I had to stuff them with a lot of toilet paper so I wouldn't bleed through to the pants that someone had loaned me to change into. The next morning I couldn't believe what an ass I had made of myself...the table had turned. I was so embarrassed. I didn't think Dick would ever want anything to do with me, but I was wrong. The first, but certainly not the last time I was wrong about Dick.

Happy Birthday to You....Happy Birthday To You....

...Happy Birthday Dear Lying, Cheating, Home Wrecking, Whore
...Happy Birthday to you.

After the the threat of divorce came to light, things sort of seemed to get a bit better, not by much, but maybe a little. There was even a moment when I thought we might make it, but then I awoke from my dream state when reality smacked me upside the head. I thought there were signs that things were getting better, but the only thing that had gotten better was Dick's ability to cover his tracks. After catching him with Charlot twice I guess he finally realized who he was dealing with or how far I was willing to go in my efforts to know the truth. There wasn't a line I wouldn't cross to figure out what he was doing, where he was going or who he was with. One night in December, I spent 3 hours sitting in my car at the mall staking out his car. He told me he was, get this...shopping...at "DICKS"...a sporting goods store. I didn't believe him, so I went to see for myself. When I got there and saw his car, I still didn't believe he was there so I went into DICKS to look for him. He wasn't there. There were no drinking establishments in the mall anymore so the only other place he might have been was Sears, that was my next stop. No Dick in Sears, no Dick in DICKS...no big surprise. I waited in the car until he showed up. He appeared in the parking lot as if out of thin air. I had been watching the door, he never came out of it, yet suddenly there he was walking towards his car...without a single shopping bag from any store. I was confused for a bit, but then I saw it...her car...little white Volvo 360 licence plate number 69X G86...driving away. Ingenious! I thought. He parks his car here, goes into the mall, she picks him up at another door and off they go. I was almost impressed with his inventiveness. This was something I would have thought of, not him. I didn't think he had it in him. Then it dawned on me...she must have come up with this scenario because I knew he just wasn't that smart. This is an example of the lengths I would go to spoil his fun. Some part of him had to know that no matter where he went or how well he tried to cover his tracks, there was always the chance that I would find out. And still, even knowing that, he just couldn't stay away from her. She must be one hell of a good bartender...nudge,nudge...wink,wink...know-what-I-mean? I never could figure out exactly why he was willing to risk losing half of everything he had by continuing his relationship with her. It was just like his relationship with Bud E. Wiser...he couldn't stop himself, even if he knew he should, he couldn't. It was either an addiction of sorts, or he really didn't think I had the balls to ever divorce him. Whichever it was, it didn't really matter. All it did was make my decision easier in the end.

Okay...back to the reason for the title of this post, Charlot's birthday. Because of my Internet investigating I knew when her birthday was. My thought was that if he didn't see her that night, then maybe, just maybe we had a chance. It was a test of sorts, and Dick failed miserably. It was a Thursday night so off he went to his Karate class. When I returned home at around 9 p.m. Dick was not home. Upon further investigation I noticed the bag he always took with him was not home either. One thing about Dick is when it comes to his personal hygiene habits, he never, ever deviates from the norm. He always came home and showered after Karate before he went out anywhere, even if it was to just hang out at Harry's. This meant that Dick never went to Karate, he just wanted it to look like he did. This also meant that I turned myself around, got back in my car and went to look for him...and her I assumed. After checking out a few of their regular meeting places with no luck, on a whim I went to a restaurant, Robby D's, that I remembered him being at when I was using the GPS tracker. It was just down the street from Charlot's house so I passed by there first. Neither one of their cars were at her house or nearby. But, when I got to Robby D's the first thing I noticed was Charolt's Volvo. I didn't see Dick's car, until I drove around to the other parking lot at the back entrance. I remember how my stomach felt, like it wanted to exit my body any way it could. I started to shake. I couldn't think straight. I parked. I needed to calm down and regain my focus. My body had betrayed me. I thought I was "dealing" quite well with Dick's affair, but apparently I was not. I was so good at hiding my true feelings from those around me that I was even able to hide them from myself. I began questioning myself. Do I really want to go in there and see them together again? If I do I have to be prepared to deal with whatever I see and feel. Am I up for that? Ready or not, off I went. My heart was pounding so hard I could hardly hear anything else. I felt like my head had disconnected from my body and was floating on its own. It was very surreal. I poked my head around the corner at the end of the back entrance hall and there they were, sitting at the bar. They looked like the picture perfect happy couple all smiling and laughing. I wanted to throw up. I turned to leave, got as far as the door and stopped. "NO"...I said to myself..."There is no way that bitch is going to have a happy birthday. Not this year." I walked back into the dinning room to the front of the bar area and came up behind them. They never saw me coming. I positioned myself between the two of them, put an arm around each one and said "Hi guys, what's happening?" Dick said nothing, did nothing, but exhale loudly as in defeat. Charlot on the other hand tried to engage me in conversation. "We're just sittin' here havin' a drink...would you like to join us?" Was she freakin' serious? "We just ordered a pizza, there's plenty." Oh my God, she is serious! "Hmm...ya...thanks, but no." I said, "What I'd really like, though, is for Dick to make up his mind." "About what?" she said. "About you...and me." I answered. She looked confused..."I don't understand." "Well...Its really pretty simple. Dick needs to decide whether he wants to stay married to me or continue screwing around with you." Now she looked appalled, "What?" "And, frankly, at this point I really don't give a shit what he decides, he just needs to make the decision. He can't do both...not any more...'cause I've had enough." "But I told before," she said, "we're just friends." "Ya...with benefits!" I said. "Why do you keep saying that?" she said, faining innocence, "There is nothing going on between us...we just hang out and talk." It was at that moment that I realized she had no idea that he had admitted it to me. He never told her that I knew the truth. He couldn't have or she would persist in being so adamant about their "friendship"...what would be the point? So there he was just sitting there, sipping on his beer, (God forbid anything get in the way of that)not saying a word. He just let her make an ass out of herself trying to convince me of their innocence knowing that I knew she was lying. Poor, stupid woman...you deserve each other I thought to myself. Then she said something about us (Dick and I) needing to talk and that she should go. But, I told her there was no need for her to leave because I was leaving. There was nothing more for Dick and I to talk about. Then I slapped her on the back saying.."Oh, by the way...Happy birthday!" She just stared at me and all she could say was "Uh...thank you." with a strange look on her face. I think it was fear. I know she was wondering how I knew it was her birthday and I know it made her very uneasy. At this point I was afraid of saying anything more because I didn't know if I could continue to control myself. I didn't want to lose it in public and make a scene...or throw up, which I felt like doing the whole time. I probably should have though...nothing says Happy birthday like your boyfriends wife barfing all over you does. That certainly would have made it one she would never forget. But instead I just left. So much for thinking we had a chance.

She's Ba-a-ack!!

Guess who's back...back in town...Betty's back....back around!!
Well, its been over a month I think since I last put pen to paper...or in this case fingers to keyboard. Sorry to have disappeared like that, but I needed to take a step back for a bit and regroup...I was feeling guilty. A little over a month ago I found out that Dick was not well. I felt bad for him. I just couldn't bring myself to continue bad-mouthing him knowing that there was a very good chance that he could have a serious illness. I know...what a saint I am...but the truth is, I was quite upset, and worried for him. Yes he's an ass. Yes, he treated me like crap. And yes, he's a lying, cheating, drunk, son-of-a-bitch. But even so, I loved him once and was married to him for 25 years. I would never wish something like cancer on him. I never wanted to see him suffer in that way. Its not good karma to wish that on anyone. So I tried to be extra nice to him. Let him know that I still cared. He made some crack about if he were to croak before the divorce was final, I'd really make out because then I would get everything. I was slightly horrified that he would think I would actually want that, and I told him so. I said that I would rather have him alive, than have "everything". We were on the phone when I said it and I thought the call had been dropped because there was dead silence on his end. Finally he said..."Really?" He sounded as if he were stunned. "Oh my God...of course 'really'" I said "Are you serious?...I would never wish that on you." Then he said "Even after everything that's happened?" "Yes, of course. Even after everything." I answered. I don't know why I was surprised that he would think I was that kind of person, but I was. So, it just reaffirmed for me how little he knew me. Well guess what? Dick's not dying, so all bets are off. Its open season again for Dick bashing. I can run him up one side and down the other, tear him a new one and bad mouth to my hearts content...and all without an ounce of guilt. In the past, I have been accused of being too nice to him. I have always maintained that I was not being "nice", I was just not being "mean". During the period of time when he was having tests to find out what was wrong with him I did make a conscious effort to be nice to him. Big waste of time. It didn't make a dam bit of difference. He was still an a$$h@!# to me. I don't know why I ever thought him facing his own mortality would somehow change him. He is what he is and will be until the day he breathes his last and settles in for the eternal dirt nap. Dick is Dick. What more is there to say?

Your Fault? My Fault? Doesn't Matter 'Cause Its "NO FAULT"

That year, 2008, the month of September was certainly one to remember. It started out with my seeing Dick with his girlfriend and ended with me considering divorce as a reality. Its not that I hadn’t thought of it up until then, its just that I needed to be sure that there was absolutely no alternative. Dick’s blasé attitude about his “friend” Charlot and his not accepting responsibility for anything that was wrong with us was making me realize that divorce may be my only choice in the end. He had this way of making everything seem like it was my fault. In the past I had always fallen right into that trap. He was very good at making me feel…hmm…what’s the word I’m looking for….small. When I say small, I mean as insignificant, not worthy, so mostly I would just let things go and not complain or try to change the situation. There were times when I felt that even though my marriage was far from perfect, actually not even near being good, I should be thankful because of all the things I had. The key word here is “things”…house, car, boat, etc., all these “things” I got from Dick, but not much else. Aside from Dick, I had a good life. I loved my job, I had a wonderful family, and the best group of friends that anyone could ever ask for. I had almost everything I ever wanted, except children, but I had managed to convince myself long ago that I was okay with that…another story for another day. As long as I focused on the good I was able to over look so much of the bad, but now things were different. I had come to realize that everything about my life was good, except my marriage. I had trouble separating the two before, thinking that it would all change if I left Dick. But, I now knew the reality was all the good, the things that really mattered in my life had nothing to do with Dick. The only thing that would really change would be my address and cash flow of course, but he was expendable. I could remove him and everything he brought to the table and life would still be good, different, but good. When I figured that out, I was able to pick up the phone and make an appointment for a consultation with a divorce lawyer. I needed information. I needed to know what the process was to extricate Dick from my life. They say knowledge is power and I wanted power. I was tired of being his doormat. The moment I made that phone call the balance of power shifted in our marriage. I felt like I was in the driver seat for the first time in 24 years. Although I did not hire this particular lawyer, the information she provided me with was invaluable. After our meeting I went to work doing and gathering everything I would need to file for divorce. At the time I still didn’t know if I would go that route, but this way I could be ready if and when the time was right. I wanted to have all my ducks in a row so I wouldn’t have time to think about it and change my mind. As luck would have it, a few days later I was even closer to wanting a divorce than ever. I caught Dick with Charlot, again. It hadn’t even been 2 weeks since the first time. So much for his pleading with me to tell him what he could do to make things right. I thought I had mentioned not seeing her anymore would be a good thing…a really good thing. Yes, in fact I’m sure it was top on my list of “Things Dick should do to make things right”. Apparently I didn’t make my self clear enough. With all the lying that he had done and his attitude about the whole thing you would think I wouldn’t be so surprised to find them together again, but I was. I was stunned. It was worse than finding the hotel receipt. It was a definite slap in the face. That night he said he was going to Harry’s to help him move cabinets. Don’t know why, but I had a gut feeling he was lying. After more than enough time had passed for the “moving of cabinets”, I called him. I asked him where he was and said he was at Harry’s apartment. They had just finished up and were having a beer…(oh joy)…and he would be home in about an hour. “Okay,” I said, “see you then.” I hung up and screamed “You lying son of a bitch!!” I was sitting in my car, parked across from Harry’s house when I called. Dick was not there. Harry wasn’t even there. The place was in complete darkness, no vehicles in the driveway. I drove back home but on the way I took a detour by one of Harry’s other properties. There in the drive way was Dick’s truck. Again, no Dick, no Harry, no lights, just darkness. I thought of waiting until he came back to get the truck, but I realized that could possibly be a very long wait, so I decided to continue on home. I drove down the street and as I rounded the corner, there they were in her car on the side of the road. She was leaning over toward him…OH MY GOD…THEY’RE MAKING OUT!!…I heard myself say. I pulled up beside them and just stared until Charlot finally turned to look. She rolled her eyes, shook her head, then turned to him. Two seconds later Dick leaned forward and looked. I left. When he got home we had it out, again. The long and short of it was he spewed a bunch of lies. He had been drinking, of course, so a lot of it didn’t even make much sense. I told him I didn’t believe any of it…why should I? Then he went on a rant about money and things that had nothing to do with what I had just witnessed. He was acting like he was angry with me. I don’t know why, but I validated all his points about money, bills, etc.. I guess I wanted to make him feel like he mattered. Again...I don't know why, but I even went so far as to tell him that I took full responsibility for my part in getting our marriage to the critical point. It took both of us to get there, but what he did, what he was doing,…having an affair far out weighed anything I may or may not have done. It just didn’t balance out. He had crossed the line. There was no excuse for it. He again insisted that he and Charlot were just friends. I told him it didn’t matter. He lost the right to be friends with her when he slept with her. Then I hit him with the big guns…”Oh, by the way…I’ve been to see a lawyer…I don’t know what I want to do about all this, but I’m keeping my options open.” That shut him up. There was a time when I might have thought it was because there was a part of him that didn’t want to lose me. But now knowing what “no fault divorce” means I knew what he didn’t want to lose was money. Everything we had would be split and I would walk away with half of what he considered to be his money. Because of the length of our marriage he would also have to pay me alimony for the rest of my life. It was amazing how little he had to say after I dropped that bomb and even more amazing how good it made me feel to drop it. I felt empowered so I continued onto the thing he valued most, after money that is…beer. “You need to stop drinking…and that is non-negotiable.” He had nothing to say to that either. That was the cherry on the cake of my day.

Looking for Mr. Cont-Right

Contrite:  feeling or showing sorrow and remorse for a sin or shortcoming.  That is the definition that Webster gives. I saw it for a brief moment in time. Dick was contrite, for about five minutes. That morning after the first confrontation with him and Charlot, he was full of remorse and sorrow. But like I said, it didn't last very long. The next night when I finally initiated conversation with him, the man that begged me to tell him what he could do to make things right was nowhere to be found. Somewhere in the last day and a half he changed his tune. I assumed that Harry had something to do with it since he had spent the afternoon of the day he was outed with him. I can just hear Harry saying "You admitted it to her?? What are you crazy? Live by the Man Code: Deny it 'til ya die!" Since I had proof with my copy of the hotel receipt and Dick had confirmed that he and Charlot had done the horizontal tango, Harry must have come up with the BS that came spuing out of Dick's mouth that night. Dick said this about that infamous night of passion, and I quote..."If you must know, we didn't 'make-love' because I couldn't." Did he just refer to 'it' as 'making love'? But wait...there's more..."We just cuddled all night." CUDDLED?????? Did I really just hear that? Was he freakin' serious? CUDDLED!! He said they cuddled, like that was supposed to make it okay. Man, he really had no idea how deep a whole he was digging for himself. What he was telling me, again, was that their relationship was not about the sex. They were intimate. They had something we didn't. He held her all night...all night! I can't remember the last time he held me in bed and never all night. All I got was him rolling over when he was done and snoring with his back to me. Then he continued, changing the subject to trust. He said that, yes, he had lied and knew I didn't trust him. But, I had also lied to him and so he too had trust issues. What had I lied to him about? I bet you haven't a clue, so I will tell you...MONEY. Yup, money. I had run up quite a bit of a balance on my credit card. It was at twelve thousand dollars. Back in March when he had started his rants about money I came clean and told him about it. He made me feel like the most horrible person in the world for keeping that from him. He verbally tortured me about it until I was sliding down the wall in tears, until I was on my knees, begging his forgiveness. I felt small. I felt like dirt. But, that was then. Then I had no back bone when it came to Dick. Now...now I was angry and I let him know it. I slammed my fists down hard on the table and yelled "MONEY? Are you serious? You're trying to say that my keeping a credit card balance from you is the same as you screwing around? Are you for real?" "Well," he said, "You have your issues and I have mine." I couldn't believe what I was hearing. I don't know why, by now you would think I'd be used to his odd sense of logic. But in his mind I had done just as much wrong as he had...mostly because he and Charlot had not "made-love", only "cuddled". So says the lying, cheating son-of-a-bitch. He started to speak again, saying that he explained that they hadn't made... but I cut him off. "Don't say it." "What?" he said. "Make-love. Its called having SEX, you asshole! When you're married and you sleep with another woman its not making-love, its screwing around, or f%$#ing! You say you didn't, which I think is bullshit by the way, as if it doesn't count. But it does. Because, even if it is true, you made a reservation, you went to a hotel, you got naked and got in bed with another woman. Then, just because "Little Dickie" couldn't perform you think you didn't cheat? Well, ya did, because the intent was there, and you stayed. If you had any guilt at all, you should have left, but ya didn't. So, "f" you and the horse you rode in on!!" With that I left the room not waiting for a response from him. I knew if he opened his mouth and said one more stupid thing I would have to shove something in it, like my fist. I got in the shower and began to shake. So much for that back bone I thought I had. There I was, sliding down the shower wall to my knees crying. I thought that because I had known about Dick's affair for months that I wouldn't be such an emotional mess like this. But actually seeing them together and talking about it with him made it all too real...and it hurt. It wasn't just the affair that hurt, it was how Dick was acting about the whole thing. He didn't have to still be in love with me, I knew I wasn't in love with him anymore. It wasn't about that. It was about respect. He had absolutely no respect for me...certainly not as his wife, but not even as a person. He just didn't care about me, at all. And that, is what cut so deep.

Happy Anniversary

This passed Monday was exactly one year since I left Dick and the divorce papers were filed a year ago yesterday. I never thought it would take this long to get this close and still have nothing show for it. Well, that's not entirely true...I have so much more debt now, than when I started! Divorce is nothing if not expensive. The hope is that when all is said and done, it will be worth the ridiculous expense, and since Dick had been hiding money during the course of our marriage, I should make out just fine. Have I mentioned the "money hiding" before now? I don't think so. Well, apparently "Mr. Crying Poor Mouth" never had anything to be crying about! I knew that we could live comfortably and that he made a decent salary. What I didn't know was that he had been squirreling away money from the very beginning. I was aware of some accounts that my name was not on, but I didn't think anything of it because he told me they were for retirement, and they had to do with work. I believed him. Why wouldn't I? I had no reason not to. Things are different now. Now I wouldn't believe him if he told me water was wet. But back then I trusted him with my life, so I never questioned anything that had to do with money. I figured he was earning it, he had every right to do whatever he thought best with it. As long as we were together I would be taken care of. Since we were going to be together for ever, I never gave it a second thought.
During the course of this blog I have basically brought you from the day I left Dick, up to the day I confronted him about his affair, with a little skipping around into our past for good measure. Its time once again to skip back, first we must visit the early days of our marriage, then we will go to the summer of 2008. Right after our wedding, I closed my personal checking account and with our gift money we opened a joint checking account. So far, so good. But, the only thing that ever got put into that joint account was the initial deposit and my paycheck. In the beginning I was paying certain household bills, telephone, cable, doing the food shopping and paying for any other household items as needed. Dick would pay the larger bills like the mortgage, gas/electric, insurance, etc. Dick also had his own personal checking account before we got married. Ten years later, he still had the same account...without me on it. I didn't want to accuse him of doing something wrong, because if you remember, I trusted him, so I approached it saying "What if something were to happen to you and you were unable to write a check or access the account? We wouldn't be able to pay bills because I can't write a check on that account." It worked, because the next day he came home with a signature card for me sign. Finally we had all "our" money in joint accounts...or so I thought. What he didn't tell me was that he also had a savings account at the same bank where he kept the big money. When did I find this out? Picture this...it's July 2008, and I am home recovering from my hysterectomy. I had started my fact finding tour with the discovery of where Dick hid the key to the file cabinet. Due to my lack of energy that day I had to cut my snooping short. I had plenty of time in the days to come to go back to the infamous file cabinet, which I did, many times. What I found was not one, but two bank accounts that my name was not on. One of them held particular interest to me because I noticed that the statements were mailed to his work address. Upon closer examination I realized that this was just a plain old savings account. Nothing special like a CD or Money Market...just a passbook savings. I looked some more and found the old passbook...same account number. Original deposit date 1980! This account had tens of thousands of dollars in it. The other one had over a hundred thousand. I was a bit shocked, to say the least. I did believe that he was hoarding it for retirement, but why be so secretive about it? Then I came across a most interesting piece of paper. It was all folded up and stuffed in between two file folders. It was a receipt...from a lawyer...a divorce lawyer. "What the hell?" I thought out loud, "That little bastard has looked into divorce!" The date on the receipt coincided with when I started to noticed Dick acting differently. It was also the same time the cell phone calls between him and Charlot had first showed up. I surmised that he went for a consultation with a divorce attorney to get an idea of what he was in for if he were to get divorced. When he found out that he stood to lose half of what he considered to be "his" money he figured it was worth putting up with me and staying married. I have to tell you that even though I was considering divorce, the fact that he had thought about it really bothered me. I was incensed! How dare he! He obviously didn't know how good he had it. Now I was really fired up. I took every folder that contained any financial information out of that file cabinet, scanned them and loaded them onto a flash drive, which kept hidden in my purse. It was a good thing I did that because soon after I outed him and Charlot, money began to slowly disappear. He made withdrawals of ten to twenty thousand at a time over a period of three months. Both of those accounts that were only in his name where closed out by the end of December 2008. During what is called "discovery" in the divorce process both parties have to submit financial statements. These list all of you assets, debt, income, and bank accounts that you have had for the past three years. Well, guess what was not listed on Dick's financials? That's correct...those two accounts. Can you say "Caught ya!!!" Since my lawyer had all the information that I had scanned we knew that Dick was probably hiding more than what I was already aware of. This brought up the burning question of where did the money from those two accounts go? That is another very interesting story which really needs its very own post. So, once again I will leave you hanging and end this post with a little song.

Everybody join in if you know the tune to the Anniversary song!


Happy Anniversary...happy anniversary....happy anniversary...haaap-py a-ni-ver-sa-ry! I am happy 'cause I just had my first anniversary. I left Dick this time last year and all I want to do is sing and cheeeerrr!!! Happy anniversary...happy anniversary...happy anniversary...haaap-py a-ni-ver-sa-ry!

Money, Money, Money, Money....

MONEY may make the world go around, but it can also bring it to a screeching halt. I think I have mentioned it before that if you were to ask Dick what our "problem" was, he would tell you that it was mostly about MONEY. He would never mention the fact that he had lots of it, but liked to cry poor mouth. For example: during the winter months, the highest he would allow the heat to be at was 65 degrees. When we would have people over they were always sure to dress appropriately...turtle necks and sweaters. Once it was even suggested that I pass out blankets at the front door as people arrived. For the summertime we had central air...one might think... brrr.... how nice... and one would be wrong. Never, ever, was anything lower than 72degrees acceptable. I could never quite grasp the reasoning behind it. It was perfectly okay to keep the house at 65 degrees in the winter, but in the summer 65 was never going to happen. Just as 72 was fine for the warm weather, that number never appeared on the thermostat through the winter months. If I ever complained about it I got "Fine, you want to pay the bill? Then turn it up (or down depending on the season). I'd be more than happy to hand you the bill when it comes." Apparently he thought that I didn't know heat and air conditioning cost MONEY. I learned early on to just keep my mouth shut and put on another sweater. Thank God for menopause. Its pretty sad when you look forward to a hot flash so your teeth will stop chattering! But that time of life made the summers almost unbearable. I had more fans running 24-7 than we had rooms! I could never understand why Dick didn't complain about the electricity I was using to run all of them. Perhaps he somehow sensed the danger in going there. I did have my limits.

Our living room furniture was purchased when we were first married and it, like us, was falling apart. The cushions had no "cush" left in them and our cats had used every piece as a scratching post at one time or another.New furniture was out of the question. Why, you ask? Well, I'll tell you, but you've probably already guessed the answer...MONEY. "Why spend the MONEY on new furniture only to have the cats tear it up too?" Dick said...and again, I quote "Might as well just flush that MONEY right down the toilet."

There are many other things I could mention to prove my point about Dick being a tight wad, but I think you get the picture. When Dick says that our problems were mostly about MONEY he is referring to my credit card debt. He has convinced himself that my hiding the fact that I ran up a ten to twelve thousand dollar balance on my credit card was just as deceitful as him having an affair. I know...the man's a fool...but he truly felt that way and still does. I guess you could say that his view on whats more important in a marriage is a little skewed.

Six years of dating, twenty five years of marriage and it all comes down to MONEY. The Almighty Buck! The one thing that Dick values above all else. "We" are reduced to fighting over who gets what, how much and for how long. It's all so very, very sad, and its killing him to have to part with half of "his" MONEY. I am sure that Dick feels I am trying to take him for everything he's got. But the truth is I'm just trying to survive. He never realized that as married couple everything belonged to "us". Perhaps that's because there never really was an "us". To him it was always "you" and "me". We were supposed to be together for life. It wasn't supposed to be like this. We were supposed to live "Happily ever after". This divorce has cost a lot more than just MONEY so far, and its not over yet.

All that being said, I will leave you with a conglomeration of phrases about MONEY.

Put your MONEY where your mouth is and talk to the MONEY Man so you can make a bundle of MONEY. Time is MONEY and you want to be right on the MONEY and In the MONEY. Then you can rake in the MONEY. Because, if you have a ton of MONEY then you’ll have Money to burn . When Money is no object Money is power .
MONEY talks, MONEY makes MONEY and MONEY makes the world go round .

But, MONEY is also the root of all evil and MONEY can't buy you love. Because MONEY isn't everything and MONEY doesn't grow on trees.

Some people have more MONEY than sense or spend MONEY like water. You'd better get your MONEY's worth, get the best that MONEY can buy. For a Fool and his MONEY are soon parted. So make sure you get a MONEY back guarantee and then take the MONEY and run. Take plastic MONEY pin MONEY, old MONEY, new MONEYY, mattress MONEY, managed MONEY, mad MONEY, hush MONEY, glove MONEY, front MONEY, funny MONEY, found MONEY, folding MONEY, even MONEY, easy MONEY, blood MONEY and seed MONEY. Don’t forget to sock your MONEY away. Maybe put it in a MONEY market account. Then you’ll have more MONEY than God and people will think you are made of MONEY.

Above all, remember…MONEY changes everything, MONEY can’t buy happiness, and you can’t take it with you...unless you have a good lawyer. And that you can take to the bank!

Storm Warnings

Monday of Labor Day 2008 was a foggy day. The sun was shining, but I was in a fog. I really couldn't think straight after Dick had finally admitted to having slept with his "friend" Charlot. I had to regroup. I couldn't be near him for another minute, so I went to work. It was not a work day, but Gabby, my co-worker/neighbor/friend, and I had planned on using the day to get a few things organized for the new school year. We ran the food service at a local private school. I must have looked like hell, because when I came through the loading dock door into the kitchen, Gabby took one look at me and said, "What's wrong...are you all right?" Because of the 'what if we stayed together then everyone would be uncomfortable' factor, I really wasn't planning on telling her. But, when she asked, I answered. I told her everything. She was horrified by my news. She had that 'Deer in the headlights' look and I could see her eyes fill with tears as she choked out "How could he do that to you?" "I don't know...because he's an as$#@le?" I answered. So there the two of us were, getting nothing done, sitting in the kitchen, sobbing. The day wasn't a total loss, we eventually got some things done. then it was time to go back to the devastation that was my life. I went home. Luckily, Dick was not there. He left a note. "Out with Harry...Love Dick". LOVE DICK? Was he freakin' serious? Was he not here this morning when the s#it hit the fan? What the hell is the matter with that man? This was ridiculous...LOVE DICK...the nerve. What was he thinking....just act normal and everything will be fine? I could feel the anger starting to churn at the core of my being and it spread through me like wild fire. This was a good thing because it blanketed the hurt I was feeling, but it was also pretty scary. I now know what is meant when someone 'sees red'...because you actually do...I did. Thank God Dick wasn't there because I would be in jail now. Crimes of passion...I get it now. I started screaming..."LOVE, DICK? I'LL SHOW YOU SOME LOVE...DICK!!" I kicked his lunch cooler across the kitchen. That felt good, I thought, so I knocked over one of the stools sending it crashing into the wall leaving a bit of a gouge in the plaster. The next item that fell victim to my rage was the trash barrel in the kitchen. I picked it up and hurled it through the opening over the sink into the family room...screaming as it went airborne. I wasn't screaming anything in particular at this point, I was just screaming, blood curdling screams. Thank God we had central air. If the windows had been open somebody would have thought I was being murdered. Then I headed for the living room where I removed a picture of the two of us from its frame. It was a picture from happier times. We were smiling and holding hands, leaning into each other. It made me more angry. "LIAR!...YOU F'ING LIAR! WHAT ARE YOU REALLY SMILING ABOUT!" I began to tear it up. "HOW THIS FOR LOVE...DICK!" As I tore his head off, "YOU SON OF A BITCH!", followed by a few other expletives as the rest of him fell to the floor in little ragged pieces. Hurricane Betty then moved onto the bedroom. There wasn't much damage to do in there except rip apart the plastic frame that held the laundry bags...which I did. Then I saw a pair of those black boxer briefs. I didn't even bother going for the scissors. I tore them apart with my bare hands. It was easy. I started with the 'easy access' flap in the front. Once I tore that sucker open, the rest was a piece of cake. When the destruction was over I laid down on the bed, curled up into the fetal position and began to cry. I don't know how long I stayed like that before I fell asleep, exhausted from my tirade. When I woke up, I was mortified by what I had done. The anger I had felt was so intense, and it was all triggered by two little words, Love, Dick. I had no idea I was capable of feeling such rage and that scared the hell out of me. I did not like losing control, not for any reason, not like that. I had to put everything back the way it was. Not because I didn't want Dick to see what I had done, but because I couldn't look at it. Everything went back the way it was. You would never have know a crazy woman trashed the place hours earlier. The only real casualties were the picture and Dick's underwear...no great loss there. The picture was a lie, and the underwear, well, no need to explain I think. So, I put them in a bag and hid them in my closet where they stayed until trash day. By the time Dick returned home I was very calm. I didn't have the energy to be anything else. He greeted me with "Hi". I had no response. I had nothing to say to him. I was waiting for him to say something, anything to give me a clue as to where he was at with everything that had happened, but he said nothing. He just walked away as he always did when he didn't want to deal with something. We didn't speak at all for the rest of the night and the next day. When we finally did talk about it, it was me who had to initiate the conversation. As usual he was making me do all the work when it came to 'us'.

And The Truth Shall Set You Free!

The morning after the night of a thousand lies is kind of a blur in my memory. Somethings do stand out, but most of it is a bit vague. What I do remember is Dick sitting on the couch looking like a little lost boy, as he told me how sorry he was. His exact words were "I'm so sorry. I f#$ked up royally. Please, tell me what I can do to make it right." He sounded like he really meant it. He certainly looked like he did. I didn't know what to say at first because I really couldn't get a handle on what I was feeling. On one hand I felt like my insides had been ripped out, but on the other I felt vindicated. It's not like I didn't already have proof, but seeing them together the night before made it undeniable. Of course, even that wasn't enough for me. I had to hear him say it. I wanted the words to come out of his mouth, so, I asked him..."Just tell me one thing. Did you sleep with her?" --Silence-- He couldn't look at me and I could see that he was doing the mental assessment, ...should I or shouldn't I?...as if I would even believe him if he said he didn't. "Well," I said, "your silence speaks volumes! Its obvious the answer is yes. But, could you just do the decent thing and tell me the truth, for once. Did-you-sleep-with-her?" With that, he finally said "Yes." He should have stopped there, but of course he had to add "But, its not what you think." Okay, I thought, I'll bite..."Really, and what is it that I think?" "Well, you probably think I'm having an affair..." This should be good...so I said "Ah, ya, that would be the direction I'm leaning toward." "But I'm not" he said "It only happened that one time. We're really just friends. Its not a physical thing." He had no idea how big of a hole he was digging for himself. Somewhere in his sorry little mind he thought telling me that they only slept together once, and that their relationship is more about just being together sharing conversation, coffee or a few drinks was really going to make it better, not okay, but at least better. But all that did was make me want to throw up, right there on my nice hardwood floor! What he didn't realize was he was telling me that the sex was just something that happened, that it didn't mean as much as just being with her meant. He was telling me that they had an intimate relationship. This, to me, was far worse than if it was just about sex. I would have rather he had been sleeping around with anything in a skirt than this. This was not good. It meant that he had feelings for her...that he couldn't help wanting to be with her. This is the point where things get kind of cloudy. I remember Dick asked me if I could ever forgive him I started to cry. I could barely get the words out to answer him. When I gained a little control I told him that I knew in my heart that I could eventually forgive him, but I didn't know how I would ever trust him again. I had no idea how to get passed it, and that scared the hell out of me. Trust was the only thing that really mattered. With out it, there is nothing. If you don't trust someone, how can you love them? I seriously thought that having an affair was the one thing Dick would never do. Despite all his other faults, I had always trusted him explicitly in that department. The only other thing I can remember saying to him was that I didn't want his mother to ever find out....that I didn't care if we had to pretend we were happily married until the day she died. How this would affect her was all I could think about. Perhaps I was deflecting because what I was feeling was too raw to deal with at that moment. I loved my mother-in-law...we were close. She absolutely adored her baby, he could do no wrong. The sun rose and set on Dickie boy. I felt if she ever knew what he had done it would kill her. She was turning ninety in a month. She didn't need to know any of this. Dick was all for not telling his mother, in fact he was all for not mentioning it to anyone...ever. That probably would have been the prudent thing to do. At the time I really didn't know where we were headed, but I knew I had to do everything I could to make this marriage work before I entertained any real thoughts of divorce. What if this was the catalyst for finally bringing us closer together. Now everything, all our problems with each other would be out in the open and we could either fix them, fix us, or go our separate ways knowing we at least had tried. If we stayed together and anyone knew about his indiscretion, it would only make things uncomfortable for both of us. Unfortunately me keeping my mouth shut...was not going to happen. Because I had spent such a long time keeping a lot of what was happening to myself, I was now about to burst. It was different when Dick didn't know I was on to him. Actually having this conversation with him made it a whole new ballgame. I thought I was handling the situation quite well up until now. Suddenly the reality of it smacked me upside the head and I was a mess.

The Night Had a Thousand Lies

So there I was, standing at the bottom of the stairs watching Dick disappear down the hall. I didn't care how drunk he was, he was not getting near that bed. Not tonight. Tonight he was going to have to deal with me. I was on a roll now. Nothing gets you in the mood to open a can of "whup-ass" on your hubby like meeting the woman he's been sleeping with does. While he was in the bathroom I went to the bedroom and sat myself down on his side of the bed. I didn't turn the light on so when he came out he thought he was safe, until he hit the switch. "Hello" I said, "Don't you have anything to say?" "Huh? Oh..good night." He mumbled. Yes... I did have to restrain myself from jumping up and bitch-slapping him, so I just said "Oh no. Don't give me that crap. I know you're half in the bag, but if you could stand in that parking lot and talk to her you can dam well stand here and talk to me now!" He stared at me for a bit then said "I don't know what you want me to say?" "Really?" I said "I catch you with your girlfriend and you can't think of a thing to say?" "She's just a friend. There is nothing going on. I don't know why you would even think that." I took a deep breath and chose my words carefully so I wouldn't get all emotional. "Oh, I don't know, lots of things. Did you know that there is a list of about ten or eleven things that are signs your husband is cheating? You've done everyone, and then some." He just stood there, still with nothing to say. I continued, spouting off numbers 1-5 of the list. "To start with, buying new clothes, different underwear, new cologne, blaming me for everything that is wrong, being out almost every night to all hours. They say that cell phone use is a big give away. You carry your work phone with you now 24-7 and never leave it unattended. I've seen you talk on it, but only when you are outside or sitting in the car before you come in the house." I could see these things were not making an impression on him. He looked at me like he thought I was nuts and said "So, all that is supposed to mean I'm having an affair? Because I bought new underwear I'm cheating?" Another deep breath..."Its not that its new...its that its different...different style and color. Not to mention the fact that you only wear your black or gray boxer briefs when you go out at night, and only tighy whitey during the day! "You're serious..." he said, "...you've actually been keeping tabs on my underwear?" "Yes...I mean, no." I stuttered "It's just something I noticed and started paying more attention to." "You have way too much time on your hands" He said "None of those things mean anything." I was about to play my final card, my ace in the hole...this was really going to get him. "True, on their own. But, what about the hotel receipt I found. You know, the one with her name, address and phone number on the top and your credit card number on the bottom...with check in time 4:30PM on the 3rd and check out on the 4Th at 11:00AM? What about that? Hmmm?" There was no way he was getting out of this one. He was quiet for a bit, then... he said...wait for it..."I don't know." On...my...God!!! Did I just hear him say that? I thought. That's it? I don't know? How can he be so...so...I couldn't even think of a word to describe it. With that he turned and went downstairs where he planted himself face down on the couch. I knew I would get nothing more out of him after that, so nothing else was said between the two of us that night. I decided to take a page from Gone With The Wind, my favorite book/movie, when Scarlet O'Hara says "Well, I won't think about that today, I'll think about that tomorrow. After all, tomorrow is another day." I wondered what tomorrow would bring. Would he act like it never happened as he so often did when he would come home drunk and we would have "words"? That was the norm around us, never resolve anything. After a bad episode when things would be calm again I would always let it go because I so didn't want to go back to the craziness. Well, this time I had to go back. There was no way to avoid it...I had just met his freakin' girlfriend!! And, I didn't want to avoid it. I wanted Dick to admit it. I wanted him clear headed and sober when the words came out of his mouth. He was going to tell me the truth once and for all even if I had to beat it out of him. I didn't know where we would end up when all was said and done because I couldn't think that far ahead. All I knew was neither one of us was going to leave that house until I was satisfied with what he had to say. Either that, or one of us would be leaving feet first.

So, Happy To Make Your Acquaintance...

Okay...the burning question of the hour is..."What happened that night?" Part of the answer is that everything I suspected was confirmed. I had every detail correct. My husband had a girlfriend who was a bartender that he had been seeing for at least six months. How did I know this was all true? Well, that is the other part of the answer..."she" told me. That was the night that I got to meet Ms. Charlot face to face. When Dick left Harry and Dom that night he went to see her at The European. Around 1:00 AM I saw the red dot start to move across my monitor. It looked as though he was heading home, so I just sat there and watched. The dot stopped at an intersection and stayed there...for a good 10 minutes. Hmmm...this is not a good sign, I thought. He should have been on the move by now. I knew that the Snitch didn't have pin-point accuracy, but it was usually right on or pretty dam close, so I was a bit concerned when it showed the car not moving. I figured he had either passed out at the wheel waiting for the light to turn green, been in an accident, or been pulled over by the police and was at that moment being given a field sobriety test. I was hoping it was the police, and I didn't want to miss that, so I got in mom's car and headed toward the location of the little red dot. As I approached the intersection I saw no accident, no police car, no car...nothing. I figured that the Snitch had malfunctioned and he was probably already home by now. I pulled up to the lights and as I looked to my left to turn I saw them...Dick and Charlot. They stood there in the parking lot across the street outside their cars, chatting. I panicked and drove straight through the intersection instead of turning. There was no one else one the road and I was afraid that he might see me. I drove down the street a bit and pulled over. I was shaking. I didn't know what to do. Then it hit me. What the hell am I worried about? Why should I care if he sees me? In fact, I think he should see me! I turned the car around and dove straight into that parking lot, right up to them. As I rolled the window down Dick looked right at me, crossed his arms, leaned back against the car and said "Wha'sup?". He was absolutely plastered. That was all he said the entire time I was there. He let Charlot do all the talking. Our conversation went like this:
(Aside from my first initial outburst, I was very calm for the rest of it)


ME: I knew it!! I just F#@king knew it!!

CHARLOT: Whoa...wait a minute...(She put out her cigarette and approach me with her freakin' hand extended)...Oh, are you Betty?

ME: Why yes I am, and you must be Charlot...Charlot Babylon?

CHARLOT: Um...ya...( she was a little freaked out that I knew her name)...I'm so happy to finally meet you.

ME: Well, I wish I could say the same for you.

CHARLOT: Why would you say that?

ME: Oh, I don't know...because you're sleeping with my husband.

CHARLOT: What? (she said trying to look aghast) Dick and I are just friends. He hangs out where I work. I'm a bartender.

ME: Yes I know, at The European.
( Again she looked a little nervous that I knew where she worked)

CHARLOT: We're just talking here. I was telling him that he drinks too much.

ME: You'll get no argument from me there.

CHARLOT: He just needs someone to talk to.

ME: Ya, he has a wife, oh, but you already knew that, didn't you. And yet you still slept with him.

CHARLOT: Why would you say that?

ME: Because its true. And you can stand here and deny it all you want, but you know its true.

CHARLOT: Haven't you ever had a friend of the opposite sex that you could confide in?

ME: As a matter of fact, I do...but not one that I've kept secret from my husband for SIX MONTHS!

CHARLOT: I'm engaged...I have two kids...

ME: Ya, I know. How are Diane and Jarred?
(That did it for her. The fact that I knew the names of her children made her want to run.)

CHARLOT: I have to go...its late and you two need to talk.

With that, she got in her car and drove off, leaving Dick still leaning against the car with his arms crossed. The man never uttered a word the whole time Charlot and I were "talking". He just stood there with that stupid look on his face that always made me want to slap him. I don't think he could process what was happening in his drunken stupor. I started to get out of the car and go over to him, but before I could get there he was in his car driving away. I honestly don't know how he made it home in one piece. By the time I got there he was in the house already heading upstairs. I didn't know what I was going to say to him, how I was going to handle this or what was going to happen next. All I knew was it was time for Dick to face the music. He wanted to dance...it was time to pay the fiddler.

Lounge Lizard

It was a Sunday night at the end of the summer. Dick had spent the day at a cookout that I was not invited to...well, I was probably invited but apparently not welcome there because he just sort of announced that he was going to JT's for the day and could I pick up some sort of dessert for him to bring when I went food shopping. I wanted to say "not a chance in hell A**hole", but instead I said "not a problem". It was weird. I really didn't mean to say that but it just came out of my mouth before I could stop it. It was habit I assumed, that and the fact that if I had said what I was thinking I may have given away my disdain for him and I just couldn't have that, not yet anyway. He needed to remain completely unaware of everything I knew about his ongoing affair. That type of reaction might make him wonder if I was on to him and he might start being more careful, something else I couldn't have. He was so not good at covering his tracks, I didnt' want to make more work for myself if he were to get more careful. If he changed his M.O.then I would have to come up with all new and different investigative techniques. So off to the food store I went. I picked up a dessert for him just like he asked...some cookies...Fig Newtons. I also got a brownie mix in case I chickened out on using the Newtons. I know what you're thinking, how could I bake something for him to take to a cookout that I wasn't even asked to attend? Well, its simple...I made the worlds worst brownies that day. Its amazing how by adding a whole bottle of anise extract and some salt can change the taste of a brownie mix. And no, I did not taste them. But believe me they were bad. The smell alone was enough to turn your stomach. I baked them in the morning the day before the cookout while Dick was at work so the odor would dissipate before he got home. Then I cut them up and put them on a plate, wrapped them first in foil then plastic wrap. The plastic wrap was to keep the smell of anise from escaping and the foil was so Dick wouldn't notice the Fig Newtons I tossed in for good measure. I never heard if my brownies were a hit or how the Fig Newtons went over because Dick and I had other more important things than my culinary genius to discuss that night when he finally got home.

I had of course placed my trusty GPS tracking Snitch in the car before he left for the cookout. When 9:00 pm rolled around I called him to see where he was. I already knew that bit of information because I could see it on my computer screen, but I wanted to hear it from him. I just loved having the opportunity to catch him in a lie. But, the little bastard surprised me. Wonder of wonder...he told the truth! He said he was with Harry and Dom exactly where the Snitch said he was. Of course, the GPS only told me where he was, not who he was with. So, since I still had my mother's car I drove down to see for myself who he was with. I couldn't believe what I saw. Harry's truck and Dom's car parked right next to our car. This can't be right I thought. When the hell did he start telling the truth? I went into the bar and took a peek. There the three of them were sitting at the bar....no women in sight. Dam...he was telling the truth! Then I realized that he was being honest because he had no reason to lie. He wasn't doing anything wrong. I should have known just by the way he answered me when I asked him where he was. Dick had a distinct way of answering me when he was lying. He would always preface his answer with a long drawn out "Ahhhhhhhhhhhhh....". then state where he was as if it were a question like ..."at the packie?" When I had asked him where he was he responded without hesitation and very matter of fact. Oh well, I thought, this night was a bust for evidence gathering. Nothing to see here, so, I went home and went to bed. Somewhere around 12:30 am I woke up. He wasn't home. I checked the computer. He was now at a different location. I remembered that I had seen that little red dot hover there many times before, but I couldn't figure out why Dick would be there because it was a new strip mall. It was a brand new development and most of the places were still empty. The only thing that was near by was The European, a restaurant frequented by families and well, older people. I never thought he was spending time there because of it's clientele and because it was a nice place. They had a "lounge" not a "bar". I checked their website and the dining room closed at 11:00pm, but the lounge was open until 1:00am. It suddenly dawned on me that "she" must work there. I had long suspected that his girlfriend was a bartender. One of the things I found in his top drawer was a piece of paper with her cell numbers on it and the words Fri-6-1am. I had friends call various bars that he hung out at and ask for her by name as if she worked there and they all got the same response, "No one by that name works here." I never thought about calling the European. I knew I was right about this. Why else would he be spending so much time there? I planned on having someone call the next day to confirm it, but the events of that night that followed made calling totally unnecessary.