There’s a First Time for Everything

So, what about those big changes that began the summer of 2011?  Well, I guess I will start with what I feel was the pivotal moment.  It occurred on August 14th 2011, and here is what I wrote just after it happened.
  I went into this with my eyes wide open. I knew what it was.  I had no expectations.  It was casual.  We were friends, nothing more, just friends.  I had only been with one person, that being my ex-husband, for the last twenty-five years, but so what. My marriage was supposed to have been a committed relationship, and look how that turned out.  I wasn’t looking for any kind of relationship, not yet anyway.  I needed to experience life as a single person, but that didn’t mean I wanted to be alone all the time.  I am human after all and I do have needs.  Having them attended to by a friend seemed to be the perfect solution.  After all, I had known him since I was a teenager.  He wasn’t a stranger that had just come into my life, just long lost friend who had reappeared after an extended absence. In about a month he would be on his way again to wherever, so there was no concern about any entanglements.  He was someone I cared deeply about, and he made me feel safe.  It was all good.  I could handle being “friends with benefits” as they say now, it was not going to be an issue for me.  I was a grown woman, not a teenager, so if the evening ended up in the bedroom, then I would cross that bridge when I came to it.
The evening started out with dinner, Italian restaurant, he had fish I had pasta.  Neither of us had anything to drink except water.  We talked…well, mostly he talked, and I listened.  I could listen to him for hours.  He fascinates me so much.  It’s not just his view of the world and his feelings about things, it’s his voice.  It’s hypnotic and soothing, and he is so passionate when he speaks, he could be talking gibberish and I would still hang on every word.  I told him how much I wished I could be more like him, able to just go with the flow.  To just put myself out there and go along with whatever comes my way and have no fear of whatever might happen, would be so freeing.  He told me all I needed to do was trust that if I send only positive energy out into the universe, then I would have no fear of what the universe would bring to me, because it would only be positive, learning experiences.  I guess it’s sort of the same thing as Karma.  Maybe it is Karma, I don’t know.
After dinner we went back to where he was staying.  Whenever he was in the area it was where he hung his hat, so to speak.  He had family nearby, but he preferred being in this place.  It afforded him what he needed most, privacy.  He needed a place to be with only his music and just himself.  He needed sanctuary,   a place to recharge and just be.  Some see him as being alone in the world, but really he is just… on his own; there is a difference.  He is connected to many, but attached to none.  I see his life as being a constant journey of discovery.
Okay, enough about him, lets talk about me and the issue at hand, friends with benefits.  I said I would cross that bridge when I came to it.  Well, I came to it.  I was a bit hesitant at first because I was nervous as hell.  There was a part of me that was screaming “screw the bridge, just dive right in.  It’s sink or swim time woman.”  After all, it had been three years without any “benefits” what-so-ever.  In that sense, I was ready, primed and ready…but all these questions and thoughts were swirling around in my head.  I was arguing with myself again.
      Me:  What if I’ve forgotten how to “swim”?
Myself:  What are you talking about?  You don’t forget that!
      Me:  What if I sink?
Myself:  You’re not going to sink.  Just go for it.
      Me:  I don’t know if I’m ready for this.
Myself:  It’s been three, count ‘em, three years.  Trust me, you’re ready!
      Me:  But I’m so nervous.  I feel like I’m in high school again.
Myself:  Don’t over think things so much, dam it!  Be the fish!
      Me:  What?  Be the fish?
Myself:  You know…just go with the flow.  Let the evening take you
               wherever it takes you.
      Me:  Oh…right.  Be more like him, go with the flow.
Myself:  That’s right, just keep swimming, just keep swimming.
      Me:  Okay.  I can handle this…I hope.
 So, it turns out I’m not quite as worldly as like to think I am.   I was a bit off the mark about the casual sex thing and the diving right in.  Apparently, for me it’s not so casual a thing; because for me, those needs and desires have a bit more to do with emotional fulfillment than physical satisfaction.  Don’t get me wrong, physical satisfaction is a good thing.  Sometimes a very good thing, like a “Holy crap, is this what I’ve been missing out on for the last twenty-five years,” sort of good thing.  I wish I could more easily separate the emotional from the physical, but I haven’t figured out how to do that yet.  Of course, I have only had this one casual encounter so it’s not much to go by.  I suppose I shouldn’t be so quick to judge the benefits of “friends with benefits” due to my lack of experience.  My whole reaction to it just took me by surprise…all of it, before, during and after.   When I left him that night, I felt like I was walking on air.  I couldn’t have been happier.  A burden had been lifted from me.  I no longer had to worry about…”my first time”…with someone other than my ex-husband.  It was a wonderful evening, one I will never forget.  It was exactly what I needed at the exact right time. Forgive me for gushing.  In my attempt to convey the importance of this encounter in terms of where I was in my life, I feel as though I sound a bit dramatic about the whole thing.  I’m trying really hard to be mature here and to not sound all goofy about how it all made me feel; how he made me feel, but I really did feel all warm and fuzzy inside.  There’s just no other way to explain it. He had given me a gift, something I had needed for a long time.  He made me feel beautiful, desirable and sexy.  He had given me confidence.  That was what the whole evening was about.  It had nothing to do with “us”, there was no “us”, it was all about me.  Everything changed for me that night; something clicked and I had this feeling of knowing that I was going to be fine; that my life was going to be so much better than I could imagine.  I knew that I could do anything if I set my mind to it.  I turned a corner that night and have never looked back.

What the "L" is Going on Here?

     Since November of 2011I haven't made a single post. I have been writing, there are three different posts sitting in my documents file that I'm working on. I’ve been popping back and forth between them, getting myself all confused and not finishing anything. This is, I think, the fourth time I have rewritten the beginning of this post. Hopefully I will finish it this time.
      Last year brought the beginning of some big changes in my life. For me 2012 started out quite well with twenty pounds off, an invitation to join the Pi Theta Kappa honor society because of my outstanding GPA, and with a whole new outlook on what I am capable of achieving if I just set my mind to it. Actually, this new outlook has more to do with my heart and soul than my mind. It is me as a whole person that is stronger, more confident and content than I have ever been in all of my fifty-three years. Some of these changes actually began the summer of 2011, and by fall I was feeling great. School was great, working out was great, everything was just great and then the holiday season arrived. All that greatness didn't stop me finding it all somewhat difficult to get through. I was not feeling hurt, and because the anger had pretty much dissipated I knew it wasn’t that, but out of nowhere I was suddenly blindsided with a sadness that brought me to my knees in a wash of tears. I just wanted to crawl into bed, pull the covers up over my head and not come out until the last ornament, bulb and bow was put away and the “season” was over. In spite of the fact that hibernation was an extremely tempting option, I did not take to my bed. Living with my parents does have advantages that are more than just financial. Mom and Dad keep me sane and grounded in reality. Sure there are times when I want to run screaming in the opposite direction but I know that when raising me and my brothers there were times when they too felt like doing the same. Luckily they didn’t give into that temptation and stuck around. I know without a doubt, if I had been living alone I might still be under the covers. Instead, I chose to grin and bear it, and adopt a “fake it ‘til you make” it attitude. On top of that I also decided that I would look into that scary dark place where the sadness lives and see if I could figure out what was going on in there and why I was feeling so out of sorts. The answer I found was fairly simple, I was sad, just plain old sad. I was mourning the death of what used to be. The holidays have a way of unearthing feelings and emotions you thought you were done with. Truth is, like any death, the sense of loss never completely goes away, but it does get less intense and easier to deal with.
      Divorce is not like a death, it is a death; a lifetime done and over. Divorce does not separate you from your spouse; it tears you apart from each other and it gives a whole new meaning to the vow, “Until we are parted by death.” When a motion for divorce is filed, everything shifts from emotional to material. The process of divorce takes on a life all its own, but it has nothing to do with what brought it about, and everything to do with assets and dollar signs. This does not mean that emotions don’t come into play at this time because they do…in a big way. They are just not very cathartic because they are centered on who gets what and how much. This bickering anger and all the other emotions that come to the surface during divorce just get in the way of healing the gaping wound in the center of your being. That wound gets put on the back burner to fester until the sorting out of assets is completed.
      More than a year and a half had passed since I stood before the judge, boots and all, and my marriage breathed its last dying breath. In all that time pretty much all I did was celebrate my new found freedom and my oneness. Once the euphoria of that wore off, it was time to deal with some unfinished grieving. At Christmas I was sad because I needed to be; because I still need to heal. 
     When I took the time to examine why I was feeling so sad, for what I thought was no apparent reason, it was then I realized that aside from the many stages one goes through in the standard “grieving process”, which by the way really has no “standard” whatsoever. No matter what others tell you to be prepared for there is sure to be something uniquely your own to deal with that no one can offer words of wisdom to guide you through. In the divorce process there are a few extra stages involved. Unlike the grief stages, the divorce stages have more to do with what you don’t experience emotionally than what you do. Everything that is sitting on the back burner is not being dealt with. In my post cohabitation life I have noticed three distinct stages; the legal stage, the liberation stage and the one that hit me around Christmas 2011, the let-down stage. I have dubbed them the “Three L’s of Divorce”. There are also “lonely” and “Lost”, but they are pretty much ongoing throughout the entire divorce so I did not award them their own stage.
      When you finally decide that enough is enough, whether it’s you leaving or you kicking your spouse’s sorry ass to the curb, there is usually a huge sense of liberation. You can physically feel it. The vice on your head and neck releases, the knot in your stomach loosens and you stand taller because a weight has been lifted from you. I actually measured a 1/4 inch taller at a doctor's appointment, no lie. Sure you are also scared to death and feeling lost and lonely but nothing lessens those feelings like that first taste of freedom.
      Navigating your way through the legal stage can be a daunting task and an expensive undertaking for anyone, but it’s a necessary evil. You need a guide, and depending on your situation that would be a mediator, or an attorney. I know that if I hadn’t hired Malcolm Adams to handle my divorce, things would be very different for me now, financially. I had not a clue as to what our marital assets amounted to. I was clueless mostly because Dick had taken great pains during our married years to conceal quite a bit of cash-ola. Malcolm had Dick's financial records subpoenaed and voila…one less thing to worry about. Financially I was going to be fine.       When the judge declares that you are now divorced the liberation stage resurfaces for a while and you think…”finally, it’s over. The hard part is done and now I can get back to the business of living my life.” But, you know how 'they' say, all good things must come to an end, well it dose, and that is when the let-down phase I spoke of hits. Everyone else is going about their day to day business, continuing on with their lives the same a usual, but you find your self lost and lonely. There is no "same as usual" for you to jump back into. The life you had before no longer exists and somehow you have to redefine who you are. The good news is, things will get better. The hardest part is over, but there is still work to be done. You need to take that strength you discovered you had to brave the unknown when you filed for divorce and use it to build a new life, for the new you. It's a long and ongoing process that will uncover facets of you and what you are capable of that were never allowed to surface until now. It ain't easy, but trust me, it is so very much, well worth it.