And The Truth Shall Set You Free!

The morning after the night of a thousand lies is kind of a blur in my memory. Somethings do stand out, but most of it is a bit vague. What I do remember is Dick sitting on the couch looking like a little lost boy, as he told me how sorry he was. His exact words were "I'm so sorry. I f#$ked up royally. Please, tell me what I can do to make it right." He sounded like he really meant it. He certainly looked like he did. I didn't know what to say at first because I really couldn't get a handle on what I was feeling. On one hand I felt like my insides had been ripped out, but on the other I felt vindicated. It's not like I didn't already have proof, but seeing them together the night before made it undeniable. Of course, even that wasn't enough for me. I had to hear him say it. I wanted the words to come out of his mouth, so, I asked him..."Just tell me one thing. Did you sleep with her?" --Silence-- He couldn't look at me and I could see that he was doing the mental assessment, ...should I or shouldn't I?...as if I would even believe him if he said he didn't. "Well," I said, "your silence speaks volumes! Its obvious the answer is yes. But, could you just do the decent thing and tell me the truth, for once. Did-you-sleep-with-her?" With that, he finally said "Yes." He should have stopped there, but of course he had to add "But, its not what you think." Okay, I thought, I'll bite..."Really, and what is it that I think?" "Well, you probably think I'm having an affair..." This should be good...so I said "Ah, ya, that would be the direction I'm leaning toward." "But I'm not" he said "It only happened that one time. We're really just friends. Its not a physical thing." He had no idea how big of a hole he was digging for himself. Somewhere in his sorry little mind he thought telling me that they only slept together once, and that their relationship is more about just being together sharing conversation, coffee or a few drinks was really going to make it better, not okay, but at least better. But all that did was make me want to throw up, right there on my nice hardwood floor! What he didn't realize was he was telling me that the sex was just something that happened, that it didn't mean as much as just being with her meant. He was telling me that they had an intimate relationship. This, to me, was far worse than if it was just about sex. I would have rather he had been sleeping around with anything in a skirt than this. This was not good. It meant that he had feelings for her...that he couldn't help wanting to be with her. This is the point where things get kind of cloudy. I remember Dick asked me if I could ever forgive him I started to cry. I could barely get the words out to answer him. When I gained a little control I told him that I knew in my heart that I could eventually forgive him, but I didn't know how I would ever trust him again. I had no idea how to get passed it, and that scared the hell out of me. Trust was the only thing that really mattered. With out it, there is nothing. If you don't trust someone, how can you love them? I seriously thought that having an affair was the one thing Dick would never do. Despite all his other faults, I had always trusted him explicitly in that department. The only other thing I can remember saying to him was that I didn't want his mother to ever find out....that I didn't care if we had to pretend we were happily married until the day she died. How this would affect her was all I could think about. Perhaps I was deflecting because what I was feeling was too raw to deal with at that moment. I loved my mother-in-law...we were close. She absolutely adored her baby, he could do no wrong. The sun rose and set on Dickie boy. I felt if she ever knew what he had done it would kill her. She was turning ninety in a month. She didn't need to know any of this. Dick was all for not telling his mother, in fact he was all for not mentioning it to anyone...ever. That probably would have been the prudent thing to do. At the time I really didn't know where we were headed, but I knew I had to do everything I could to make this marriage work before I entertained any real thoughts of divorce. What if this was the catalyst for finally bringing us closer together. Now everything, all our problems with each other would be out in the open and we could either fix them, fix us, or go our separate ways knowing we at least had tried. If we stayed together and anyone knew about his indiscretion, it would only make things uncomfortable for both of us. Unfortunately me keeping my mouth shut...was not going to happen. Because I had spent such a long time keeping a lot of what was happening to myself, I was now about to burst. It was different when Dick didn't know I was on to him. Actually having this conversation with him made it a whole new ballgame. I thought I was handling the situation quite well up until now. Suddenly the reality of it smacked me upside the head and I was a mess.