Contrite: feeling or showing sorrow and remorse for a sin or shortcoming. That is the definition that Webster gives. I saw it for a brief moment in time. Dick was contrite, for about five minutes. That morning after the first confrontation with him and Charlot, he was full of remorse and sorrow. But like I said, it didn't last very long. The next night when I finally initiated conversation with him, the man that begged me to tell him what he could do to make things right was nowhere to be found. Somewhere in the last day and a half he changed his tune. I assumed that Harry had something to do with it since he had spent the afternoon of the day he was outed with him. I can just hear Harry saying "You admitted it to her?? What are you crazy? Live by the Man Code: Deny it 'til ya die!" Since I had proof with my copy of the hotel receipt and Dick had confirmed that he and Charlot had done the horizontal tango, Harry must have come up with the BS that came spuing out of Dick's mouth that night. Dick said this about that infamous night of passion, and I quote..."If you must know, we didn't 'make-love' because I couldn't." Did he just refer to 'it' as 'making love'? But wait...there's more..."We just cuddled all night." CUDDLED?????? Did I really just hear that? Was he freakin' serious? CUDDLED!! He said they cuddled, like that was supposed to make it okay. Man, he really had no idea how deep a whole he was digging for himself. What he was telling me, again, was that their relationship was not about the sex. They were intimate. They had something we didn't. He held her all night...all night! I can't remember the last time he held me in bed and never all night. All I got was him rolling over when he was done and snoring with his back to me. Then he continued, changing the subject to trust. He said that, yes, he had lied and knew I didn't trust him. But, I had also lied to him and so he too had trust issues. What had I lied to him about? I bet you haven't a clue, so I will tell you...MONEY. Yup, money. I had run up quite a bit of a balance on my credit card. It was at twelve thousand dollars. Back in March when he had started his rants about money I came clean and told him about it. He made me feel like the most horrible person in the world for keeping that from him. He verbally tortured me about it until I was sliding down the wall in tears, until I was on my knees, begging his forgiveness. I felt small. I felt like dirt. But, that was then. Then I had no back bone when it came to Dick. Now...now I was angry and I let him know it. I slammed my fists down hard on the table and yelled "MONEY? Are you serious? You're trying to say that my keeping a credit card balance from you is the same as you screwing around? Are you for real?" "Well," he said, "You have your issues and I have mine." I couldn't believe what I was hearing. I don't know why, by now you would think I'd be used to his odd sense of logic. But in his mind I had done just as much wrong as he had...mostly because he and Charlot had not "made-love", only "cuddled". So says the lying, cheating son-of-a-bitch. He started to speak again, saying that he explained that they hadn't made... but I cut him off. "Don't say it." "What?" he said. "Make-love. Its called having SEX, you asshole! When you're married and you sleep with another woman its not making-love, its screwing around, or f%$#ing! You say you didn't, which I think is bullshit by the way, as if it doesn't count. But it does. Because, even if it is true, you made a reservation, you went to a hotel, you got naked and got in bed with another woman. Then, just because "Little Dickie" couldn't perform you think you didn't cheat? Well, ya did, because the intent was there, and you stayed. If you had any guilt at all, you should have left, but ya didn't. So, "f" you and the horse you rode in on!!" With that I left the room not waiting for a response from him. I knew if he opened his mouth and said one more stupid thing I would have to shove something in it, like my fist. I got in the shower and began to shake. So much for that back bone I thought I had. There I was, sliding down the shower wall to my knees crying. I thought that because I had known about Dick's affair for months that I wouldn't be such an emotional mess like this. But actually seeing them together and talking about it with him made it all too real...and it hurt. It wasn't just the affair that hurt, it was how Dick was acting about the whole thing. He didn't have to still be in love with me, I knew I wasn't in love with him anymore. It wasn't about that. It was about respect. He had absolutely no respect for me...certainly not as his wife, but not even as a person. He just didn't care about me, at all. And that, is what cut so deep.
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