Storm Warnings

Monday of Labor Day 2008 was a foggy day. The sun was shining, but I was in a fog. I really couldn't think straight after Dick had finally admitted to having slept with his "friend" Charlot. I had to regroup. I couldn't be near him for another minute, so I went to work. It was not a work day, but Gabby, my co-worker/neighbor/friend, and I had planned on using the day to get a few things organized for the new school year. We ran the food service at a local private school. I must have looked like hell, because when I came through the loading dock door into the kitchen, Gabby took one look at me and said, "What's wrong...are you all right?" Because of the 'what if we stayed together then everyone would be uncomfortable' factor, I really wasn't planning on telling her. But, when she asked, I answered. I told her everything. She was horrified by my news. She had that 'Deer in the headlights' look and I could see her eyes fill with tears as she choked out "How could he do that to you?" "I don't know...because he's an as$#@le?" I answered. So there the two of us were, getting nothing done, sitting in the kitchen, sobbing. The day wasn't a total loss, we eventually got some things done. then it was time to go back to the devastation that was my life. I went home. Luckily, Dick was not there. He left a note. "Out with Harry...Love Dick". LOVE DICK? Was he freakin' serious? Was he not here this morning when the s#it hit the fan? What the hell is the matter with that man? This was ridiculous...LOVE DICK...the nerve. What was he thinking....just act normal and everything will be fine? I could feel the anger starting to churn at the core of my being and it spread through me like wild fire. This was a good thing because it blanketed the hurt I was feeling, but it was also pretty scary. I now know what is meant when someone 'sees red'...because you actually do...I did. Thank God Dick wasn't there because I would be in jail now. Crimes of passion...I get it now. I started screaming..."LOVE, DICK? I'LL SHOW YOU SOME LOVE...DICK!!" I kicked his lunch cooler across the kitchen. That felt good, I thought, so I knocked over one of the stools sending it crashing into the wall leaving a bit of a gouge in the plaster. The next item that fell victim to my rage was the trash barrel in the kitchen. I picked it up and hurled it through the opening over the sink into the family room...screaming as it went airborne. I wasn't screaming anything in particular at this point, I was just screaming, blood curdling screams. Thank God we had central air. If the windows had been open somebody would have thought I was being murdered. Then I headed for the living room where I removed a picture of the two of us from its frame. It was a picture from happier times. We were smiling and holding hands, leaning into each other. It made me more angry. "LIAR!...YOU F'ING LIAR! WHAT ARE YOU REALLY SMILING ABOUT!" I began to tear it up. "HOW THIS FOR LOVE...DICK!" As I tore his head off, "YOU SON OF A BITCH!", followed by a few other expletives as the rest of him fell to the floor in little ragged pieces. Hurricane Betty then moved onto the bedroom. There wasn't much damage to do in there except rip apart the plastic frame that held the laundry bags...which I did. Then I saw a pair of those black boxer briefs. I didn't even bother going for the scissors. I tore them apart with my bare hands. It was easy. I started with the 'easy access' flap in the front. Once I tore that sucker open, the rest was a piece of cake. When the destruction was over I laid down on the bed, curled up into the fetal position and began to cry. I don't know how long I stayed like that before I fell asleep, exhausted from my tirade. When I woke up, I was mortified by what I had done. The anger I had felt was so intense, and it was all triggered by two little words, Love, Dick. I had no idea I was capable of feeling such rage and that scared the hell out of me. I did not like losing control, not for any reason, not like that. I had to put everything back the way it was. Not because I didn't want Dick to see what I had done, but because I couldn't look at it. Everything went back the way it was. You would never have know a crazy woman trashed the place hours earlier. The only real casualties were the picture and Dick's underwear...no great loss there. The picture was a lie, and the underwear, well, no need to explain I think. So, I put them in a bag and hid them in my closet where they stayed until trash day. By the time Dick returned home I was very calm. I didn't have the energy to be anything else. He greeted me with "Hi". I had no response. I had nothing to say to him. I was waiting for him to say something, anything to give me a clue as to where he was at with everything that had happened, but he said nothing. He just walked away as he always did when he didn't want to deal with something. We didn't speak at all for the rest of the night and the next day. When we finally did talk about it, it was me who had to initiate the conversation. As usual he was making me do all the work when it came to 'us'.

And The Truth Shall Set You Free!

The morning after the night of a thousand lies is kind of a blur in my memory. Somethings do stand out, but most of it is a bit vague. What I do remember is Dick sitting on the couch looking like a little lost boy, as he told me how sorry he was. His exact words were "I'm so sorry. I f#$ked up royally. Please, tell me what I can do to make it right." He sounded like he really meant it. He certainly looked like he did. I didn't know what to say at first because I really couldn't get a handle on what I was feeling. On one hand I felt like my insides had been ripped out, but on the other I felt vindicated. It's not like I didn't already have proof, but seeing them together the night before made it undeniable. Of course, even that wasn't enough for me. I had to hear him say it. I wanted the words to come out of his mouth, so, I asked him..."Just tell me one thing. Did you sleep with her?" --Silence-- He couldn't look at me and I could see that he was doing the mental assessment, ...should I or shouldn't I?...as if I would even believe him if he said he didn't. "Well," I said, "your silence speaks volumes! Its obvious the answer is yes. But, could you just do the decent thing and tell me the truth, for once. Did-you-sleep-with-her?" With that, he finally said "Yes." He should have stopped there, but of course he had to add "But, its not what you think." Okay, I thought, I'll bite..."Really, and what is it that I think?" "Well, you probably think I'm having an affair..." This should be good...so I said "Ah, ya, that would be the direction I'm leaning toward." "But I'm not" he said "It only happened that one time. We're really just friends. Its not a physical thing." He had no idea how big of a hole he was digging for himself. Somewhere in his sorry little mind he thought telling me that they only slept together once, and that their relationship is more about just being together sharing conversation, coffee or a few drinks was really going to make it better, not okay, but at least better. But all that did was make me want to throw up, right there on my nice hardwood floor! What he didn't realize was he was telling me that the sex was just something that happened, that it didn't mean as much as just being with her meant. He was telling me that they had an intimate relationship. This, to me, was far worse than if it was just about sex. I would have rather he had been sleeping around with anything in a skirt than this. This was not good. It meant that he had feelings for her...that he couldn't help wanting to be with her. This is the point where things get kind of cloudy. I remember Dick asked me if I could ever forgive him I started to cry. I could barely get the words out to answer him. When I gained a little control I told him that I knew in my heart that I could eventually forgive him, but I didn't know how I would ever trust him again. I had no idea how to get passed it, and that scared the hell out of me. Trust was the only thing that really mattered. With out it, there is nothing. If you don't trust someone, how can you love them? I seriously thought that having an affair was the one thing Dick would never do. Despite all his other faults, I had always trusted him explicitly in that department. The only other thing I can remember saying to him was that I didn't want his mother to ever find out....that I didn't care if we had to pretend we were happily married until the day she died. How this would affect her was all I could think about. Perhaps I was deflecting because what I was feeling was too raw to deal with at that moment. I loved my mother-in-law...we were close. She absolutely adored her baby, he could do no wrong. The sun rose and set on Dickie boy. I felt if she ever knew what he had done it would kill her. She was turning ninety in a month. She didn't need to know any of this. Dick was all for not telling his mother, in fact he was all for not mentioning it to anyone...ever. That probably would have been the prudent thing to do. At the time I really didn't know where we were headed, but I knew I had to do everything I could to make this marriage work before I entertained any real thoughts of divorce. What if this was the catalyst for finally bringing us closer together. Now everything, all our problems with each other would be out in the open and we could either fix them, fix us, or go our separate ways knowing we at least had tried. If we stayed together and anyone knew about his indiscretion, it would only make things uncomfortable for both of us. Unfortunately me keeping my mouth shut...was not going to happen. Because I had spent such a long time keeping a lot of what was happening to myself, I was now about to burst. It was different when Dick didn't know I was on to him. Actually having this conversation with him made it a whole new ballgame. I thought I was handling the situation quite well up until now. Suddenly the reality of it smacked me upside the head and I was a mess.

The Night Had a Thousand Lies

So there I was, standing at the bottom of the stairs watching Dick disappear down the hall. I didn't care how drunk he was, he was not getting near that bed. Not tonight. Tonight he was going to have to deal with me. I was on a roll now. Nothing gets you in the mood to open a can of "whup-ass" on your hubby like meeting the woman he's been sleeping with does. While he was in the bathroom I went to the bedroom and sat myself down on his side of the bed. I didn't turn the light on so when he came out he thought he was safe, until he hit the switch. "Hello" I said, "Don't you have anything to say?" "Huh? Oh..good night." He mumbled. Yes... I did have to restrain myself from jumping up and bitch-slapping him, so I just said "Oh no. Don't give me that crap. I know you're half in the bag, but if you could stand in that parking lot and talk to her you can dam well stand here and talk to me now!" He stared at me for a bit then said "I don't know what you want me to say?" "Really?" I said "I catch you with your girlfriend and you can't think of a thing to say?" "She's just a friend. There is nothing going on. I don't know why you would even think that." I took a deep breath and chose my words carefully so I wouldn't get all emotional. "Oh, I don't know, lots of things. Did you know that there is a list of about ten or eleven things that are signs your husband is cheating? You've done everyone, and then some." He just stood there, still with nothing to say. I continued, spouting off numbers 1-5 of the list. "To start with, buying new clothes, different underwear, new cologne, blaming me for everything that is wrong, being out almost every night to all hours. They say that cell phone use is a big give away. You carry your work phone with you now 24-7 and never leave it unattended. I've seen you talk on it, but only when you are outside or sitting in the car before you come in the house." I could see these things were not making an impression on him. He looked at me like he thought I was nuts and said "So, all that is supposed to mean I'm having an affair? Because I bought new underwear I'm cheating?" Another deep breath..."Its not that its new...its that its different...different style and color. Not to mention the fact that you only wear your black or gray boxer briefs when you go out at night, and only tighy whitey during the day! "You're serious..." he said, "...you've actually been keeping tabs on my underwear?" "Yes...I mean, no." I stuttered "It's just something I noticed and started paying more attention to." "You have way too much time on your hands" He said "None of those things mean anything." I was about to play my final card, my ace in the hole...this was really going to get him. "True, on their own. But, what about the hotel receipt I found. You know, the one with her name, address and phone number on the top and your credit card number on the bottom...with check in time 4:30PM on the 3rd and check out on the 4Th at 11:00AM? What about that? Hmmm?" There was no way he was getting out of this one. He was quiet for a bit, then... he said...wait for it..."I don't know." On...my...God!!! Did I just hear him say that? I thought. That's it? I don't know? How can he be so...so...I couldn't even think of a word to describe it. With that he turned and went downstairs where he planted himself face down on the couch. I knew I would get nothing more out of him after that, so nothing else was said between the two of us that night. I decided to take a page from Gone With The Wind, my favorite book/movie, when Scarlet O'Hara says "Well, I won't think about that today, I'll think about that tomorrow. After all, tomorrow is another day." I wondered what tomorrow would bring. Would he act like it never happened as he so often did when he would come home drunk and we would have "words"? That was the norm around us, never resolve anything. After a bad episode when things would be calm again I would always let it go because I so didn't want to go back to the craziness. Well, this time I had to go back. There was no way to avoid it...I had just met his freakin' girlfriend!! And, I didn't want to avoid it. I wanted Dick to admit it. I wanted him clear headed and sober when the words came out of his mouth. He was going to tell me the truth once and for all even if I had to beat it out of him. I didn't know where we would end up when all was said and done because I couldn't think that far ahead. All I knew was neither one of us was going to leave that house until I was satisfied with what he had to say. Either that, or one of us would be leaving feet first.

So, Happy To Make Your Acquaintance...

Okay...the burning question of the hour is..."What happened that night?" Part of the answer is that everything I suspected was confirmed. I had every detail correct. My husband had a girlfriend who was a bartender that he had been seeing for at least six months. How did I know this was all true? Well, that is the other part of the answer..."she" told me. That was the night that I got to meet Ms. Charlot face to face. When Dick left Harry and Dom that night he went to see her at The European. Around 1:00 AM I saw the red dot start to move across my monitor. It looked as though he was heading home, so I just sat there and watched. The dot stopped at an intersection and stayed there...for a good 10 minutes. Hmmm...this is not a good sign, I thought. He should have been on the move by now. I knew that the Snitch didn't have pin-point accuracy, but it was usually right on or pretty dam close, so I was a bit concerned when it showed the car not moving. I figured he had either passed out at the wheel waiting for the light to turn green, been in an accident, or been pulled over by the police and was at that moment being given a field sobriety test. I was hoping it was the police, and I didn't want to miss that, so I got in mom's car and headed toward the location of the little red dot. As I approached the intersection I saw no accident, no police car, no car...nothing. I figured that the Snitch had malfunctioned and he was probably already home by now. I pulled up to the lights and as I looked to my left to turn I saw them...Dick and Charlot. They stood there in the parking lot across the street outside their cars, chatting. I panicked and drove straight through the intersection instead of turning. There was no one else one the road and I was afraid that he might see me. I drove down the street a bit and pulled over. I was shaking. I didn't know what to do. Then it hit me. What the hell am I worried about? Why should I care if he sees me? In fact, I think he should see me! I turned the car around and dove straight into that parking lot, right up to them. As I rolled the window down Dick looked right at me, crossed his arms, leaned back against the car and said "Wha'sup?". He was absolutely plastered. That was all he said the entire time I was there. He let Charlot do all the talking. Our conversation went like this:
(Aside from my first initial outburst, I was very calm for the rest of it)


ME: I knew it!! I just F#@king knew it!!

CHARLOT: Whoa...wait a minute...(She put out her cigarette and approach me with her freakin' hand extended)...Oh, are you Betty?

ME: Why yes I am, and you must be Charlot...Charlot Babylon?

CHARLOT: Um...ya...( she was a little freaked out that I knew her name)...I'm so happy to finally meet you.

ME: Well, I wish I could say the same for you.

CHARLOT: Why would you say that?

ME: Oh, I don't know...because you're sleeping with my husband.

CHARLOT: What? (she said trying to look aghast) Dick and I are just friends. He hangs out where I work. I'm a bartender.

ME: Yes I know, at The European.
( Again she looked a little nervous that I knew where she worked)

CHARLOT: We're just talking here. I was telling him that he drinks too much.

ME: You'll get no argument from me there.

CHARLOT: He just needs someone to talk to.

ME: Ya, he has a wife, oh, but you already knew that, didn't you. And yet you still slept with him.

CHARLOT: Why would you say that?

ME: Because its true. And you can stand here and deny it all you want, but you know its true.

CHARLOT: Haven't you ever had a friend of the opposite sex that you could confide in?

ME: As a matter of fact, I do...but not one that I've kept secret from my husband for SIX MONTHS!

CHARLOT: I'm engaged...I have two kids...

ME: Ya, I know. How are Diane and Jarred?
(That did it for her. The fact that I knew the names of her children made her want to run.)

CHARLOT: I have to go...its late and you two need to talk.

With that, she got in her car and drove off, leaving Dick still leaning against the car with his arms crossed. The man never uttered a word the whole time Charlot and I were "talking". He just stood there with that stupid look on his face that always made me want to slap him. I don't think he could process what was happening in his drunken stupor. I started to get out of the car and go over to him, but before I could get there he was in his car driving away. I honestly don't know how he made it home in one piece. By the time I got there he was in the house already heading upstairs. I didn't know what I was going to say to him, how I was going to handle this or what was going to happen next. All I knew was it was time for Dick to face the music. He wanted to dance...it was time to pay the fiddler.

Lounge Lizard

It was a Sunday night at the end of the summer. Dick had spent the day at a cookout that I was not invited to...well, I was probably invited but apparently not welcome there because he just sort of announced that he was going to JT's for the day and could I pick up some sort of dessert for him to bring when I went food shopping. I wanted to say "not a chance in hell A**hole", but instead I said "not a problem". It was weird. I really didn't mean to say that but it just came out of my mouth before I could stop it. It was habit I assumed, that and the fact that if I had said what I was thinking I may have given away my disdain for him and I just couldn't have that, not yet anyway. He needed to remain completely unaware of everything I knew about his ongoing affair. That type of reaction might make him wonder if I was on to him and he might start being more careful, something else I couldn't have. He was so not good at covering his tracks, I didnt' want to make more work for myself if he were to get more careful. If he changed his M.O.then I would have to come up with all new and different investigative techniques. So off to the food store I went. I picked up a dessert for him just like he asked...some cookies...Fig Newtons. I also got a brownie mix in case I chickened out on using the Newtons. I know what you're thinking, how could I bake something for him to take to a cookout that I wasn't even asked to attend? Well, its simple...I made the worlds worst brownies that day. Its amazing how by adding a whole bottle of anise extract and some salt can change the taste of a brownie mix. And no, I did not taste them. But believe me they were bad. The smell alone was enough to turn your stomach. I baked them in the morning the day before the cookout while Dick was at work so the odor would dissipate before he got home. Then I cut them up and put them on a plate, wrapped them first in foil then plastic wrap. The plastic wrap was to keep the smell of anise from escaping and the foil was so Dick wouldn't notice the Fig Newtons I tossed in for good measure. I never heard if my brownies were a hit or how the Fig Newtons went over because Dick and I had other more important things than my culinary genius to discuss that night when he finally got home.

I had of course placed my trusty GPS tracking Snitch in the car before he left for the cookout. When 9:00 pm rolled around I called him to see where he was. I already knew that bit of information because I could see it on my computer screen, but I wanted to hear it from him. I just loved having the opportunity to catch him in a lie. But, the little bastard surprised me. Wonder of wonder...he told the truth! He said he was with Harry and Dom exactly where the Snitch said he was. Of course, the GPS only told me where he was, not who he was with. So, since I still had my mother's car I drove down to see for myself who he was with. I couldn't believe what I saw. Harry's truck and Dom's car parked right next to our car. This can't be right I thought. When the hell did he start telling the truth? I went into the bar and took a peek. There the three of them were sitting at the bar....no women in sight. Dam...he was telling the truth! Then I realized that he was being honest because he had no reason to lie. He wasn't doing anything wrong. I should have known just by the way he answered me when I asked him where he was. Dick had a distinct way of answering me when he was lying. He would always preface his answer with a long drawn out "Ahhhhhhhhhhhhh....". then state where he was as if it were a question like ..."at the packie?" When I had asked him where he was he responded without hesitation and very matter of fact. Oh well, I thought, this night was a bust for evidence gathering. Nothing to see here, so, I went home and went to bed. Somewhere around 12:30 am I woke up. He wasn't home. I checked the computer. He was now at a different location. I remembered that I had seen that little red dot hover there many times before, but I couldn't figure out why Dick would be there because it was a new strip mall. It was a brand new development and most of the places were still empty. The only thing that was near by was The European, a restaurant frequented by families and well, older people. I never thought he was spending time there because of it's clientele and because it was a nice place. They had a "lounge" not a "bar". I checked their website and the dining room closed at 11:00pm, but the lounge was open until 1:00am. It suddenly dawned on me that "she" must work there. I had long suspected that his girlfriend was a bartender. One of the things I found in his top drawer was a piece of paper with her cell numbers on it and the words Fri-6-1am. I had friends call various bars that he hung out at and ask for her by name as if she worked there and they all got the same response, "No one by that name works here." I never thought about calling the European. I knew I was right about this. Why else would he be spending so much time there? I planned on having someone call the next day to confirm it, but the events of that night that followed made calling totally unnecessary.

The Cat's Out Of The Bag!!

Up until a couple of weeks after my hysterectomy the only other person who knew what was going on with me and Dick was my friend Claire. She had been through the infidelity thing with her now ex-husband. I knew she would know what I needed to hear and what I didn't. She understood exactly what I was feeling and why I was handling things the way I was. I told no one else of the recent changes in my marriage. I felt horrible about that because it was as if I was lying to my best friend Ann. She meant the world to me. I always told her everything, but in the beginning, I just couldn't. I don't know why, exactly, but part of me didn't want to tell her or go public because then that would make it too real. It was almost like the whole thing was a bad dream. That same part of me kept hoping I would wake up soon and it would all be over. But, hearing the voicemail from Dick's girlfriend was like someone giving me a massive pinch to prove that I wasn't dreaming. My life was now officially a nightmare. Some of my friends, Ann included, would beg to differ with me there pointing out that my life had been the definition of a nightmare for a very long time. I just hadn't noticed. I was too busy convincing myself that life with Dick was normal. Everybody complains about their spouse now and then. I truly thought that our relationship was not that different than most. Sure it was no picnic, but after 20 plus years I assumed that in most cases the "love affair", so to speak, was over. Ours certainly was. I kept the truth hidden by telling those close to me that it was Dick's drinking that was the big problem. That was why he was going out most every night and stumbling in anywhere between one and three a.m.. My physical look of being run through the mill, as they say, I attributed to lack of sleep because of the hours Dick was keeping. Whenever he was out would try to go to sleep but the anticipation of his return prevented me from sleeping well. I would doze off but any little noise would wake me up. Some nights I would wrap myself in a quilt and sit by the window watching and waiting, sometimes for hours. When he would finally arrive home only then could I really sleep, relieved that he hadn't wrapped himself around a tree somewhere or been arrested for vehicular homicide. That, coupled with the stress of living with an alcoholic, was my cover story. The other reason I had for not sharing was I didn't want to feel pressured into actually having to do something about it. As much as I hated how things were, I just couldn't imagine a life other than the one I was living. I loved my house, my neighborhood, my things that surrounded me. I had so much to lose if I left him. It was far too scary to think about. I didn't realize how much I had to gain, I could only focus on what I would be leaving behind. One afternoon while I was sitting in my favorite chair pondering all this I even considered just trying to come to terms with our "situation" as it just being the way it was going to be. That way we would stay together...in name only...but we would be more like roommates. Yea, that could work, I thought. In exchange for not divorcing him and disrupting both our lives and those of our family's, he would continue to keep me in the style I had grown accustomed to. Ya...that thought lasted about, oh, maybe five minutes, then he came home from work and cracked open a beer. The sound of that can popping open slapped me right back to reality.

The voicemail message from the "other woman" was a turning point for me. I couldn't keep it to myself any longer. I felt like I was going to explode. So, I started with Ann first, then my cousin Anna Maria and one of my neighbors, Gabby. I made them all swear to keep it a secret because I didn't want my parents to find out until I had a plan of action. A lot of good that did because after I told them about "it" I continued on. I told anyone who would listen...my hairdresser, my doctor, various co workers, and the list goes on. I would even tell complete strangers, "Yup, my husband's a cheatin' son-of-a-bitch!" If a waitress asked "Can I get you anything else?" I'd answer "Ya, a good divorce attorney, 'cause my husband's a cheatin' son-of-a-bitch!" If someone said "Have a good day." I'd say "I'll try. Not easy to do though, when your husband's a cheatin' son-of-a-bitch!" A greeting of "How are you today?", would get a response of "Not bad, for a woman scorned. My husband's a cheatin' son-of-a-bitch, you know!" It was like a blood-letting. Yes, once I started talking I just couldn't stop. And as you can see, I'm still at it.