This post ended up being something entirely different than what I was intending to write. I meant to continue on from where we last saw Betty and Dick, but ended up going someplace else with it. Apparently I needed to purge emotionally before moving on with the "story".
Okay...I am really going to try to keep at this posting thing, because I need to finish "The Story of Betty & Dick". I am beginning to feel that I can't move on until I am able to type the words...The End. I have been feeling a bit "stuck" lately. This mourning process is not easy. It has its own timetable and I don't like that. Every once in a while out of the blue I get hit with a tidal wave of emotion. This past Sunday was a particularly off day for me. Nothing happened, I just felt really sad/angry at one point. I went food shopping and while driving home I was just so overwhelmed by it, I started to cry. Then I sat in my car in the driveway, just weeping for I don't know how long. I believe it had something to do with my recounting many details of the last 2 years to some cousins that I haven't seen since last August. We had a family event the day before and they (all women) were chomping at the bit to hear details. Anyway, in the midst of this emotional upheaval I found myself saying things like "Why did you have to ruin everything?"... directed at Dick. My life doesn't suck, I have no regrets about divorcing and I certainly don't want him back. I'm not sad about anything in my life now, I'm sad about what isn't. Its about what I had to leave behind, and that would be everything. I miss everything, but him. I had a beautiful house with neighbors that became more like an extended family to me than just friends. I miss them. I know they are still there for me, but its sad knowing that they are not just across the street or next door. Visiting is just not the same living there. When I go home I feel like I'm "leaving" all over again. There are so many "things" in that house I left behind, nothing that I need, but things I miss. I also left my 2 cats. I knew it was better for them to stay. Taking them with me was really not an option at the time. I didn't know where I would eventually end up living and moving them even once would be hard on them. I knew that Dick would take good care of them so the decision to leave them was not that difficult. But, again, I miss them. On a side note, three months after I left Dick, I lost my job of fifteen years. The school I worked at closed, so I have also had that loss to deal with. I think if I still had that, this mourning process would have been a bit easier. If you think about it, I spent more time with my co-workers than I did with Dick on a daily basis. They too were and extended family for me. Yes, we keep in touch and I'm happy to say that I am closer with many of them now than I ever was. But, I miss being there, with them. They say there are three major stresses in life, marriage/divorce, change of residence and loss of a job. I probably said this before, I hit the tri-fecta in the major stress department. So much change in such a small span of time. I suppose looking at it from that point of view, I'm doing pretty dam good. Living with the parents is fine. Its comforting and...to quote a friend..."challenging" at times. I know that everything is as it should be and I am on the right path, heading in the right direction. I just haven't been able to let go of the past yet. What I need to let go of are the "things" that I miss, but I can take everything else with me as I move on. The friends and the memories will be with me always no matter where this path leads me. Its the uncertainty of what lies ahead that has made me uneasy, but I am now realizing that I have everything I need to help me along the way. I may have lost Dick, but I gained a life. Its time I started living it.
