Fact Finding Tour: Day 1

I went back to the drawer, his underwear drawer that is, the next day to have another look at the evidence. I wanted to check his credit card number against the one on the hotel receipt, but it was gone. No matter, I had my scanned copy of it so I just used that. My next stop was downstairs to the file cabinet to take a look at his credit card statements.
He had taken to locking the file cabinet a while ago, and kept the key out of sight. It lived under the old work gloves with the 2 screwdrivers on top, next to the key rack...at least it did until now. It was gone! Well, that just made me want to get in to the cabinet all the more. What could he be hiding in there? This was just too deliciously tempting for me. I had to get in there. I would find that key. It was like he was daring me to find it. The challenge was on. Something you need to know about me is that when I was a child I always found where my mother hid the Christmas presents. Every year she would pick a different spot, and every year I would find them. She even started wrapping them as soon as she got them home so I couldn't tell what they were even if I did find them. I got very adept at peeling back tape and re-wrapping gifts. Well, that locked file cabinet was like a big gift, all wrapped up, just taunting me. I couldn't resist sneaking a peek to see what was inside. But first I had to find that key. Hmmm...where to start? Ah, yes...I must think like Dick...scary place that is inside his head, but I had to do it. Think simple, I told myself. It has to be somewhere near by. I opened the top drawer of the work bench and began searching through all the little compartments full of screws, nails, nuts and bolts, rubber bands and...hello...keys. The key was right there under a bunch of rubber bands. Dam...that was no challenge at all. It was kind of a let down to have found it so quickly. He really didn't put much thought into his hiding process. But, then I realized that he did think he had to. He had no idea that I was on to him. That was when I decided to never let on that I knew anything until I was absolutely ready. I would not act any different towards him no matter what I found out. If he even suspected that I knew anything he might start being more careful and I couldn't have that. At this point I decided to suspend my snooping for the day. I had only come home from the hospital the day before and I wasn't supposed to be up and about except for trips to the bathroom and for meals. I had to start taking better care of myself...you know, heal up and get well so I could kick his ass to the curb!! I was suddenly so exhausted it was all I could do to close the drawer and get back upstairs to my recliner. I got myself all comfy and fell off to sleep with a feeling of satisfaction that put a little smile on my face.

Putting the Pieces Together

I found the hotel receipt in the drawer were he keeps his condom stash. I was in there because I was going to count them. I had counted them before I went into the hospital and I wanted to see if any had gone missing when I was gone. That in itself not only says that I suspected “something”, but that it pretty much screams, “Affair”. Even though I now had what I considered solid evidence, I felt I had to be sure of everything before I started making accusations. My mind went on this ridiculous attempt to try and explain it. I could picture these two mini-me’s in my head arguing back and forth.
Me 1: “What if I’m wrong?”
Me 2: “You know you’re not!“
Me 1: “What if there is a perfectly logical explanation?”
Me 2: “For him hiding a receipt to The Marriott Long Warf in Boston, in his underwear draw?”
Me 1: “Well, there could be.”
Me 2: “Are you freaking serious?”
I even thought of a few ways to explain the name and address on the top of the receipt…Charlot Babylon, 1023 Continental Dr…her name and address. It could be the person who took the reservation, right? Perhaps he knows her husband. Yes, that could be it. Dick and her husband know each other. He called him to ask if his wife could make a reservation for him to stay at that hotel. Maybe he made the reservation for us as a surprise for our anniversary before he knew I was going to have surgery. He could have been so caught up in his concern for my well being that he forgot to cancel the reservation. Rather than just waste it he went in town and stayed overnight, alone. After all, he’s not one to waste money and he would have been home alone anyway, so why not? Man, oh man, it’s amazing the crap you’re willing to try and believe when something like this happens. Needless to say, I could not convince myself that there was any other explanation than he took another woman to a hotel while I was lying in a hospital bed recovering from major surgery.

During the next 8 weeks while I was recovering from my hysterectomy I spent a lot of time trying to figure out just exactly what was going on with Dick and his extracurricular activities. I used various online search tools during this investigative phase such as Intellus, Reverse Phone look-up and Net Detective. Net Detective proved to be quite valuable in gathering information. With it I was even able to find out when and how much she bought and paid for her house, not that I needed to know that, but it made me feel dam good that I could. I checked the cell phone bills and found that he had called the number that was on the now infamous hotel receipt, while he was in Miami in May. I also noticed that there were numerous calls to two other numbers that same week. A report from Intellus provided the information that both these numbers belonged to cell phones, owners name…Charlot. Hmmm…where have I seen that name before, oh yes, the HOTEL RECIEPT!!! Now I know this is a huge red flag, but playing the devil’s advocate I told myself that if someone was to look up his cell phone number it would come back as owners name…Betty. I wasn’t grasping at straws; I was just making sure to cover all bases. I didn’t want to leave him any way to plausibly explain it. So, I just added that bit of information to my ever-growing “Spouse-ectomy” file and continued on my fact-finding mission.

Backing Up

I know I am skipping around but that's just how my mind works. Back in January I tried to start keeping a journal. Here for your reading pleasure is the first and only entry I ever made.

January 24, 2009
It’s Saturday night and I’m sitting here alone, again. It’s not so bad, to be alone. I enjoy the quiet, most of the time. Either that or I’m just getting used to it. I feel like I‘ve been on auto pilot, just going through the motions of life day after day. I got up this morning and made coffee for the two of us like I do every morning, 2 sugars and a bit of half & half for him, hazelnut coffee mate for me. I’ve been doing this most every morning for the past 24 plus years. That’s how long we’ve been married as of today. This morning was different. As I turned to hand him his mug I had this vivid fantasy of throwing it in his face and yelling “Here’s your coffee asshole!!! How does it feel to get burned?” I so wanted to do it. The thought of it made me smile. Oh how I wished I had the guts, but, I just sort of smirked at him instead as I put the coffee on the counter.
I can’t say how much longer we will be married, but I’m pretty sure we won’t see our 25th anniversary. We may still be legally married, but our marriage ended, for me anyway, this past July. The day I came home from the hospital after having a hysterectomy and found the receipt for the hotel he took another woman to. Yes, what a wonderful homecoming it was. Nothing says “I love you” like finding out your husband’s a cheating son-of-a-bitch! Yet, when I found it, instead of freaking out, I just made a copy of it. I scanned it, then put it back where I found it, and thus began a whole new phase of my life. In that instant everything changed. It was like being dropped in a foreign land where I knew none of the customs or the language. I could no longer go through my days pretending that my marriage was good, okay or even just normal. I was suddenly not really a wife anymore. I was...a woman scorned! You know they say, “Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned”, I know it's true, I've seen it. But, I had no fury. I did feel something for a split second when I found that hotel receipt. It was quick and quite intense, but it wasn’t what one would expect for a reaction to finding out your husband is screwing around. Crying, screaming, yelling and making accusations would have been more common. But, for me, with what I felt in that instant, I just couldn’t do those things. Was I paralyzed by disbelief? I would have to say that was not the case, because what I felt, for that split second was…freedom. I actually heard the words, clear as day, “Now I can get out”, rolling around in my head. I was a little shocked, but apparently some part of me knew that this thing I called a marriage was not what a marriage was supposed to be like. The truth is I had suspected something was going on for awhile. I just didn’t want to believe it because I felt that believing it would be a reflection on me. It would only go to prove that I was, as I had suspected for a long time, unattractive. I would have to accept the fact that I was lazy, moody, no fun to be with and just a plain old bitch. But, then I realized that it had nothing to do with me. Sure I was all those things, but only with him. But that wasn’t the real me. It was who I had become with him. I was miserable. I had lost my passion. He had sucked the joy out of my life. Well, no more I said to myself, and that hotel receipt was my ticket out.

Exodus

So, back to the events of February 9, 2009. While I was at work that day I decided that I just couldn't stay at the house anymore. After dropping my little bomb that morning I was afraid of seeing him. Actually I was more uncomfortable than afraid. You see, I had expected one of two reactions from him when he got home from work that evening. One would be anger and disbelief, the other being sadness and remorse. I foolishly thought that there might even be a little begging not to do this thrown in for good measure. I didn't want to deal with either option, or him in any way. I thought that if he was nice to me and asked me not to leave I would lose my resolve and not follow through. So, I spent the afternoon packing my clothes and other essentials to take with me to my parents. They had told me that when I was ready, I could stay with them. Just as I was finishing up I got a phone call from Dick. My mind raced as to what he would say. Was he going to beg me not to leave him? Would he want to talk and try to work things out? I answered, "Hello". "Hi...So, how do you want to do this thing?" was what he said. "Excuse me" I said "Do what exactly?" I knew exactly what he was talking about. I know him. I know how he thinks and how he phrases things, but I persisted. "Could you be a bit more specific about this 'thing'?" "Well, this morning you said you wanted a divorce. I'm just wondering how you want to proceed with it?" Wow, I thought, so much for my fears of how he would react. There was no emotion in his voice at all. He might just as well have been a bagger at the food store asking me if I wanted paper or plastic. I had to ask again what he meant by that. The answer was should we do it with lawyers or do mediation? "Oh...I already have a lawyer" I told him "...and I dropped off a retainer check at his office this afternoon. So I guess that is how we are proceeding with 'this'." His response..."Oh....guess I better get one too then." After agreeing with him that it would be a good idea, I told him that I was going to go stay with my parents for a while until we sort things out. I didn't think we should or could be under the same roof under the circumstances. Since I knew he had no place to go and I did, I thought it was best that I leave for now. And he said...wait for it..."Oh...whatever." Such emotion!!! Man I really turned his world upside down! It became increasingly clear that he was done with this marriage long before I was even aware that there was a problem. Before we hung up I asked him if he knew anything about the house phone. I had tried to call my mom to tell her I was coming but it was dead. When I used my cell phone to call and check the line I got a recording that the number had been changed. Changed? The new number was...his cell phone number. "What's up with that?" He told me that he had the phone service shut off that morning. When I questioned him as to why, he said he did it because he didn't need it anymore, why pay for it. I had nothing to say. I was stunned. Who are you, I thought, and what did you do with Dick? I thought I knew him so well, but as they say...I don't know Dick. But this would turn out to be only the first of many situations that just left me shaking my head in disbelief. With the end of that conversation I gathered the rest of my stuff and left my home of 25 years to return to my old room in the house I grew up in. After I had all my things unpacked and put away something funny struck me...funny, odd. Not funny, Ha Ha. I remembered moving out of my parents house when I got married. I walked out the front door and thought.."FREEDOM". Twenty five years later, here I was walking back in the same door and thinking..."FREEDOM!!"

The Names Have Been Changed to Protect the Innocent

I need to clarify something.  My name is not really Betty and my soon to be ex-husband's name is not Dick.  All of the names in my blog have been changed as a way of protecting the privacy of my friends and family.  I chose the name Betty for myself because it was part of a nickname that my husband had for me....Sweaty Betty.  Yes, he is quite the charmer.  It was just his loving way of pointing out to me that I needed to lose weight.  Every time I would be eating more of something than he thought I should, or eating something he thought I shouldn't, he would start calling me Sweaty Betty.  It was really fun when he did this in front of our friends and family.  I guess it was supposed to be funny.  I never thought so...never quite saw the humor in it, but I also never let on how much it hurt.  For some strange reason that escapes me now I always felt that he was a good person and just had a weird way of expressing himself.  I couldn't let myself believe that he was doing it just to hurt me.  He was, concerned, yeah that's it.  In the end, his obsession with what and how much I was eating lead me to become a closet eater.  Every time he left the house I would be in the fridge and the cabinets looking for something to eat.  It didn't really matter what it was, just that I could enjoy it without being called a name.  I would buy contra ban foods and hide them in the house, then when he was out I would endulge to my hearts content.  Then the task of hiding the evidence had to be taken care of.  I had many secret hiding places in the house.  I have even used a half empty box of Pads or Tampons to stash something like candy wrappers.  I knew he would never look in there.  Then, every couple of months I would go through my closets and secret hiding places and dispose of the tell tale cartons, wrappers, bags and any other type of container that I had stashed away.  There were times when I could fill a tall kitchen can bag with my food trash.  Somehow I felt like I was getting back at him.  The end result of all this is that I ballooned up to being 100lbs over weight.  Guess I showed him!!!  I am happy to report that since that fateful day in February when I left him, my weight has been slowly decreasing.  Not by much, but enough to make me start feeling better about myself.

Well, enough about me and my "name" choice.  For my husband I chose the name Dick.  I decided on Dick...because...well... do I really have to explain?  I think not.  But just in case, here is a hint.  His middle initial is H.  And, it suits him in more ways than one.  After all, as you will learn more later on, it's the part of his anatomy that played the biggest role in our marriage falling apart and finally ending...and please, don't read anything into the word "biggest".  If you were to ask him what happened he would tell you it was mostly about money.  Which is partially true, 'cause I was none too happy to find out he spent over $400 to take his girlfriend to a luxury hotel in town.  Then there were all the trips he took to Vegas, Florida, Myrtle Beach, without me and the going out every night drinking his paycheck away until 2 in the morning.  But I do digress.  What was I talking about?  Oh yes, changing the names to protect the innocent, and the guilty in this case.  I have done this because I think its a good story, but I have been accused of...how was it put now...oh, I remember...Disseminating information about him and our divorce over the Internet.  I was threatened with a gag order if I did not terminate this behavior.  The funny thing was, up until now I haven't put anything "on the Internet" about any of it.  Well, hopefully he won't figure it out and have my behavior terminated with a big 'ol gag order. I'm not worried though, he's not that bright.

The Beginning of The End

It was a morning like any other, a Monday in February, the 9th of 2009 to be exact. I was going through my usual routine of primping and prepping, readying myself for the day. I was in the middle of brushing my teeth when I suddenly stopped. I had this overwhelming feeling that it was time. The moment had come. My friend, Claire, said that when the time was right I would just know. That was exactly what happened. I couldn't wait any longer I had to do it now! Today was the day. I had had enough. I rinsed, spit, put down my toothbrush and headed for the family room. There he was, Dick, my husband of almost 25 years. He sat on the couch watching TV, blissfully unaware that life as he knew it was about to come to a screeching halt. "Hi" he said in a monotone that sounded like he couldn't be more disinterested that I had entered the room. It was his standard morning greeting now. Somewhere along the way he stopped saying "good morning" and took to just saying "Hi." And that, was just what I needed to push me to do what I knew I had to. "I want a divorce!" I announced. Oh my God, I thought, I said it, no turning back now. I forged ahead, full steam. "I can't do this anymore. I won't live like this anymore....I...am..done!" His response was something like"Huh?....Wha???" , which he punctuated with blank stupid look on his face. Hmm, I thought, I guess I have to clarify, so I asked him "Haven't you noticed that things have been a little, oh, I don't know...odd between us lately?" He shrugged and answered, "Well, no more so than they have been for a while." Every word out of his mouth just fueled me onward. "My point exactly!" I said, "I've had enough!" Being as quick witted as he is he said..."Oh."..nothing else, just, oh. I could see this conversation, as momentous as it should have been, was going to be no different than any other conversation we'd had over the last year. So, as I turned to leave for work I left him with one last comment. "I just thought you should know....be...ready!" And with that I went downstairs . I thought he would come after me. He had time to. I didn't leave right away, I had to put on my shoes and gather my things for work, and I didn't rush doing it either. I gave him the time and opportunity to do something, say something, but there was nothing. I heard him walking around, but he never came after me. He just let me walk out of the house and our life together without another word. So, I did the only thing I could do...I went to work. After work I drove to my lawyer's office to drop off a retainer check and give him the green light to go ahead and file the divorce complaint. And that as they say, is that.

Who am I?

Who is Betty? The short answer would be me, I am Betty. The problem is somewhere along the way, in this journey that is my life, I lost myself. I spent the last 25 years being some one's wife, but now that is over and I don't know who I am. Right now life is full of infinite possibilities. I can go anywhere, and be anything I want. I don't have to settle, or make a choice to please someone else. Everything I do now is all about me and my needs being met, not anyone else's. Like the song says..."It's my turn!!" I used to dream about having this kind of opportunity. Careful what you wish for. I am finding it overwhelming. I'm getting a do-over of sorts and I don't know where to begin!