There’s a First Time for Everything

So, what about those big changes that began the summer of 2011?  Well, I guess I will start with what I feel was the pivotal moment.  It occurred on August 14th 2011, and here is what I wrote just after it happened.
  I went into this with my eyes wide open. I knew what it was.  I had no expectations.  It was casual.  We were friends, nothing more, just friends.  I had only been with one person, that being my ex-husband, for the last twenty-five years, but so what. My marriage was supposed to have been a committed relationship, and look how that turned out.  I wasn’t looking for any kind of relationship, not yet anyway.  I needed to experience life as a single person, but that didn’t mean I wanted to be alone all the time.  I am human after all and I do have needs.  Having them attended to by a friend seemed to be the perfect solution.  After all, I had known him since I was a teenager.  He wasn’t a stranger that had just come into my life, just long lost friend who had reappeared after an extended absence. In about a month he would be on his way again to wherever, so there was no concern about any entanglements.  He was someone I cared deeply about, and he made me feel safe.  It was all good.  I could handle being “friends with benefits” as they say now, it was not going to be an issue for me.  I was a grown woman, not a teenager, so if the evening ended up in the bedroom, then I would cross that bridge when I came to it.
The evening started out with dinner, Italian restaurant, he had fish I had pasta.  Neither of us had anything to drink except water.  We talked…well, mostly he talked, and I listened.  I could listen to him for hours.  He fascinates me so much.  It’s not just his view of the world and his feelings about things, it’s his voice.  It’s hypnotic and soothing, and he is so passionate when he speaks, he could be talking gibberish and I would still hang on every word.  I told him how much I wished I could be more like him, able to just go with the flow.  To just put myself out there and go along with whatever comes my way and have no fear of whatever might happen, would be so freeing.  He told me all I needed to do was trust that if I send only positive energy out into the universe, then I would have no fear of what the universe would bring to me, because it would only be positive, learning experiences.  I guess it’s sort of the same thing as Karma.  Maybe it is Karma, I don’t know.
After dinner we went back to where he was staying.  Whenever he was in the area it was where he hung his hat, so to speak.  He had family nearby, but he preferred being in this place.  It afforded him what he needed most, privacy.  He needed a place to be with only his music and just himself.  He needed sanctuary,   a place to recharge and just be.  Some see him as being alone in the world, but really he is just… on his own; there is a difference.  He is connected to many, but attached to none.  I see his life as being a constant journey of discovery.
Okay, enough about him, lets talk about me and the issue at hand, friends with benefits.  I said I would cross that bridge when I came to it.  Well, I came to it.  I was a bit hesitant at first because I was nervous as hell.  There was a part of me that was screaming “screw the bridge, just dive right in.  It’s sink or swim time woman.”  After all, it had been three years without any “benefits” what-so-ever.  In that sense, I was ready, primed and ready…but all these questions and thoughts were swirling around in my head.  I was arguing with myself again.
      Me:  What if I’ve forgotten how to “swim”?
Myself:  What are you talking about?  You don’t forget that!
      Me:  What if I sink?
Myself:  You’re not going to sink.  Just go for it.
      Me:  I don’t know if I’m ready for this.
Myself:  It’s been three, count ‘em, three years.  Trust me, you’re ready!
      Me:  But I’m so nervous.  I feel like I’m in high school again.
Myself:  Don’t over think things so much, dam it!  Be the fish!
      Me:  What?  Be the fish?
Myself:  You know…just go with the flow.  Let the evening take you
               wherever it takes you.
      Me:  Oh…right.  Be more like him, go with the flow.
Myself:  That’s right, just keep swimming, just keep swimming.
      Me:  Okay.  I can handle this…I hope.
 So, it turns out I’m not quite as worldly as like to think I am.   I was a bit off the mark about the casual sex thing and the diving right in.  Apparently, for me it’s not so casual a thing; because for me, those needs and desires have a bit more to do with emotional fulfillment than physical satisfaction.  Don’t get me wrong, physical satisfaction is a good thing.  Sometimes a very good thing, like a “Holy crap, is this what I’ve been missing out on for the last twenty-five years,” sort of good thing.  I wish I could more easily separate the emotional from the physical, but I haven’t figured out how to do that yet.  Of course, I have only had this one casual encounter so it’s not much to go by.  I suppose I shouldn’t be so quick to judge the benefits of “friends with benefits” due to my lack of experience.  My whole reaction to it just took me by surprise…all of it, before, during and after.   When I left him that night, I felt like I was walking on air.  I couldn’t have been happier.  A burden had been lifted from me.  I no longer had to worry about…”my first time”…with someone other than my ex-husband.  It was a wonderful evening, one I will never forget.  It was exactly what I needed at the exact right time. Forgive me for gushing.  In my attempt to convey the importance of this encounter in terms of where I was in my life, I feel as though I sound a bit dramatic about the whole thing.  I’m trying really hard to be mature here and to not sound all goofy about how it all made me feel; how he made me feel, but I really did feel all warm and fuzzy inside.  There’s just no other way to explain it. He had given me a gift, something I had needed for a long time.  He made me feel beautiful, desirable and sexy.  He had given me confidence.  That was what the whole evening was about.  It had nothing to do with “us”, there was no “us”, it was all about me.  Everything changed for me that night; something clicked and I had this feeling of knowing that I was going to be fine; that my life was going to be so much better than I could imagine.  I knew that I could do anything if I set my mind to it.  I turned a corner that night and have never looked back.