Finally, Final!!

Hello...I know, its been 2 months plus, since I have posted anything. Last time I took a break it was for a month and I promised that I would never do that again. Well as Dick so often and incessantly says..."sorry...I'm sorry!" I don't even really have an explanation as to why I have been so silent. I guess life just got in the way, but now it should be clear sailing for me. I say should be, but one never knows. I no longer "have" to deal with Dick, and as long as I can stay out of my own way I should be fine. To summarize, we were pronounced divorced on March 25, 2010, at which time I received a check from him as payment for the first portion of my settlement. By tax day a second payment was made and the final check was in my hot little hand on June 4Th. The 90 day waiting period (in case for some reason we were to change our mind about the whole thing...ha!) was up on June 23 and our divorce was finally, final. The reason I don't have to deal with Dick anymore is because I chose not to take alimony. "What??? Are you nuts?!!!" Was the basic reaction many people had to this decision. But after looking at the pros and cons of getting alimony verses just one lump sum the latter won out. If I had chose to get monthly alimony payments the total amount in $$ over the years would most likely have ended up being more than I got with the lump sum. That was really the only upside, and it wasn't guaranteed. Dick could take me back into court anytime to have the alimony adjusted. If he were to get sick or become disabled and couldn't work...well, no income = no alimony. Then there was the idea of having to deal with him for the rest of my life. With alimony I would always feel he had some level of control over my life and that was the last thing I wanted. Cut all ties so the healing can begin, was my thinking, but that is turning out to be much more difficult than anticipated.

For a while I didn't think about Dick too much. I was surprised at how easy it was to be without him after the initcial shock of separation wore off. But every now and again I have my moments. Sometimes I feel so scared about what my future might hold. Then I think..."I don't have Dick!"...and that's a good thing.

I have been having trouble with my car. For some reason it keeps driving by Dick's house, you know, the one that used to be our house. I find myself on the street and think "Oh God, not again!!" Recently I saw Charlot's car in the driveway and found myself screaming..."You Son of a Bitch! That F'ing whore is in MY HOUSE!!"...much to my poor brother's dismay who was riding in the car with me. I know its not "my" house anymore and, okay, we all know its me iniciating the drive-bys not my car, but I just can't stop doing it. All it does is make me crazy and I keep torturing myself by going there. Why? That's what I'm trying to figure out. Partly I think it has something to do with my need to in my comfort zone, which is being miserable. I was miserable for so long that all this happiness is very diconcerting. I don't know how to be happy with out feeling that something is going to happen to screw it up. Happy Land has always been for other people. I never felt like I belonged, or deserved to be there. Just add that to all the other things I can blame Dick for.

Strangley enough, my anger as of late has been directed more at Charlot than Dick. My therapist, Mollie, says I need closure. But what does that mean? It means I have to let go, get rid of all the garbage. I have to give it all back to them and forgive myself for carrying it with me. "I'd like to write her a letter and tell her a thing or two." I said to Mollie during a session. "Do it!" she said. Write a letter to Charlot and bring it next time we meet." I had three weeks to write the letter and of course I waited until the night before my next appointment. So, after a few glases of wine I let loose on Charlot via the written word.

Charlot,

You probably didn’t ever expect to ever hear from me, but in order for the healing to begin there are some things I need to say to you. Mostly I just want to tell you that I hope you really and truly do love Dick. I hope that you care deeply about his wellbeing and strive to do everything in your power to please him each and everyday you are together. I hope you care so much about him that you are willing to give up things that are important to you just to make him happy. I hope that you feel and do all of these things so that when he is done with you and moves on to the next poor fool (and he will) your heart will be ripped to shreds just like mine was and you will feel all of the doubt, anger and sadness that I felt. I wish you nothing more than to be on the receiving end of the type of pain that you and he caused me when you decided it was okay to sleep with someone else’s husband. You are just as much to blame for the end of a 25 year marriage as both he and I are. If you had an ounce of decency in you, you would have backed off and refused to see him anymore. Perhaps there might have been a chance for us to find our way back to each other, to make our life together better. But, because you where still “there”, we never stood a chance and now we will never know. I guess that is one thing that I really blame you for. Because of you we never got to find out what our “problem” really was. You were his solution…that and him drinking himself into a stupor every night….both quick fixes.

I have often wondered what makes a woman think its okay to sleep with a married man? It’s just cruel. Why are women so mean to each other? Wait, that’s too general a statement. Not all women are like you…thank God. But, there is enough of your kind out there to make the rest of us really wonder. Speaking of wondering….I have to tell you something. Remember how I found you and Dick in J. Pace’s parking lot that first time? I accused you of sleeping with him and you swore you were just friends. Remember that? Well, I wasn’t just assuming, I had proof. I found the receipt from the Marriot Long Warf where the two of you stayed on July 3, 2008. Your name and address was on the top of it and his credit card number on the bottom. I found it hidden in his underwear drawer the day I came home from the hospital after my hysterectomy. By the way…did Dick happen to mention that while he was screwing you in a luxury hotel I was laying in a hospital bed with 22 staples in my gut? I also had a catheter so I could pee into a bag, and IV in my arm for antibiotics, fluids and a pain pump with morphine. Not that it matters, but if you didn’t know I just thought you should. It helps to paint a better picture of the kind of person Dick really is. Then again, you might have known and were okay with it. I don’t think my opinion of you could get any lower, but that would probably do it.

Back to the night in the parking lot. When we got home that night I confronted Dick with what I had found and he admitted it. I asked him point blank “Did you sleep with her?” He said yes. My reason for telling you this is because when I showed up at Bobby C’s and interrupted your birthday celebration with Dick you continued to deny having slept with my husband. All I could think about while you were talking was “Oh my God…she doesn’t know that he admitted it to me. What an asshole! He is just sitting there letting her go on and on, lying to me, proclaiming her innocence when all the while he knows that I know she‘s lying!! Poor stupid woman…he’s already lying to her.“ I almost felt bad for you…for about a second. Again, not that it matters, but it serves as another illustration of Dick’s character. Its all about what is best for him. He is a lying, cheating, drunk…but, maybe that’s what made him so attractive to you. After all, you know what they say…Birds of a feather, flock together…you two deserve each other.

I told Dick recently that I forgave him and I am now telling you the same. I have realized that I have to let all of this go in order to heal and get on with my life. So, I forgive you Charlot. I really do. You can have him…or what’s left of him. I got the best part of him. And that would be half of all his assets…just over half a million.

In closing I would just like to wish you either a few wonderful years together with a horribly painful break-up that you didn’t see coming or a long and miserable life together. Stick that in your pipe and smoke it.

Livin’ La Vita Loca…
The former Mrs. Dick